Archive for September, 2014

I tried not to, I tried to give it a rest, I tried to find something else to write about but I couldn’t do it. Yep, I’ve gone back to writing about rape! Why? Well, because rape is fucking everywhere. And I don’t mean ‘women are getting raped left, right and centre’, I mean that I can’t go a day without some article appearing on my timeline that tells us how bad rape culture is or how bad campus sexual assault is or how women can’t even leave their houses for fear of being raped. And guess whose fault it is? Yep, those horrible, overbearing, patriarchal bastards; men! It’s getting ridiculous.

Like, I get it, we want to reduce the amount of rape in the world, who wouldn’t? But the problem is that it’s bordering on hysteria, I’ve mentioned that so many times before. False statistics are destroying any credible, sane discussions about rape. Accusations of victim blaming immediately shut down any discussions on ‘what can women do to prevent rape’. Feminism will absolutely not allow any sort of discourse on what women can do, whether that’s learning a martial art for self-defence or congratulating some students for creating a nail polish that changes colour upon contact with certain drugs.

No, feminism wants women to be able to walk down the street naked without being raped. That’s how ridiculous their mindset is. It’ll never happen, and that’s not me victim blaming, that’s me being realistic. I should be able to leave my car unlocked all night, or my flat unlocked when I go to work. I can’t because I’m well aware that we don’t live in that sort of culture. Criminals are opportunist, if you make it easy for them then they will take the opportunity.

That’s not victim blaming, it’s just common sense. If you can protect yourself, any little thing you can do, it’s worth it. A criminal will try and find a way to do something if they want to, why is disadvantaging yourself by not doing the most you can to protect yourself the way feminism wants women to behave? It’s stupid and dangerous. It’s almost as if they want women to get raped in order to continue their ‘open discussion’ on sexual assault moving forward. Hang on, I don’t think that’s actually too insane of a theory.

Now there is one thing I would like to point out about the above few paragraphs, and I’m hoping some of you have picked up on it – where are the men? You should know me better than that by now!

That’s my point, this discourse on rape that I see constantly is always, always, focused on women. For all that feminism says about changing the definition of rape, for all it says about trying to end rape, the conversations always, always, always centres on what men can do to stop rape. That’s a major problem. We can’t stop rape if we dismiss and hide half the victims.

Yes, women get raped, and that’s a horrible thing, and it’s absolutely something we should try and stop, but demonising men, telling them they can stop it, appealing to every single man out there and implicating them in the crime simply for being a man is the most idiotic, stupidly offensive and patronising thing I’ve heard since, well, the last stupidly offensive and patronising feminist line, which probably wasn’t all that long ago.

Feminism does not care about men, I’ve said it time and time again, it truly doesn’t. If it did then it would acknowledge that women do rape men! To ignore that is criminal. We supposedly live in a rape culture, yet an accusation of rape can destroy a man’s career and often puts him in harms way and at the risk of vigilante justice:

http://www.cotwa.info/2013/10/the-horrific-consequences-of-false-rape.html

Can we really be said to live in a culture that accepts and condones rape when a man can be severely beaten simply on an accusation? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that, once again, I’ve run into an article that approaches the sensitivity of rape from a woman’s perspective and only a woman’s perspective. Not that that’s an issue, I have no qualms with women who want to write about rape. It’s just that, again, this is a situation that is applicable to both genders, and I can include myself in this one, yet the focus here is solely on the woman who’s writing the story. Again, not a problem, it’s a personal anecdote, of course it’s going to revolve around her. However, the point of the article could, and should, have been address to all people, not just women.

Here’s the article, and the headline in particular shows what I’m on about:

http://totalsororitymove.com/is-it-possible-that-there-is-something-in-between-consensual-sex-and-rape-and-that-it-happens-to-almost-every-girl-out-there/

As with the website in the previous blog, I don’t really know this site. It published an article on the Women Against Feminism group that was pro-feminist but I’ve not really paid much attention to it since then. A quick look at other stories on this page and it’s very much a feminist site. So, a feminist site publishing an article that focuses solely on women and shows no awareness that ambiguous sexual encounters could happen to both sexes? Yeah, I’m not surprised either.

The headline:

Is it Possible That There Is Something In Between Consensual Sex And Rape…And That It Happens To Almost Every Girl Out There?

Two things with this headline, the first of which will be the main focus of this blog entry, the second of which refers to my previous point:

Is it Possible That There Is Something In Between Consensual Sex And Rape

I want to focus on this, particularly this woman’s story (I apologise if I sometimes use ‘girl’ to describe the author, force of habit), and how it’s got an undercurrent of victimhood that she tries desperately to hide.

However, this second bit:

And That It Happens To Almost Every Girl Out There?

Shows, in my opinion, where the focus is on the discourse on rape. It happens to almost every girl? I can guarantee you it’s happened to every single bloke I know, including me. Rape discussions always ask questions geared towards women, when men encounter or experience the same situation we don’t approach it with a cocked head and an understanding ‘are you sure it wasn’t rape’ mentality. When men shove their finger up a woman’s butt during sex it’s part of rape culture, when women shove their finger up a man’s butt during sex it’s just an ‘annoying thing women do in bed.’ (see this blog if you don’t know what the fuck I’m on about – https://johnsalmonsworld.wordpress.com/2014/08/06/rape-culture-it-only-happens-to-women-well-just-ignore-all-the-shit-that-happens-to-men-even-when-its-the-exact-same-situation/)

Maybe ‘shove’ was the wrong verb, perhaps coming across a lot more forcefully than I intended, just read the blog.

So, a situation that is pretty evenly applicable across the sexes is simply geared towards women. That’s fine, I’ll take it in the spirit it was written – it’s a woman writing an article geared towards other women about a sexual encounter she’s confused by, Let’s take it from that approach and see what happens.

Again, I’m not intending to do a paragraph by paragraph breakdown, but we’ll see what happens.

The author of this piece is listed as Hot Piece, which I’m assuming is not her real name. She’s given a Twitter handle at the bottom that says @VeronicaGrandex. Grandex appears to be the name of the company she works for and I’m not sure if that’s a company named after herself so, for the benefit of this piece I shall be referring to her either as Veronica or Piece, depending on which pops into my head first.

So, this article is a tale all about drunken regrets and whether or not there’s a grey area that falls between consensual sex and rape, a kind of ‘well, I’m not sure if I wanted it, but I did it anyway and now I’m not sure what to think.’ My immediate thought to that train of thought? Is there a grey area between rape and consensual sex? Nah, if it’s consensual it’s consensual, any feelings of worry or concern or regret are your own damn fault.

However, then I started thinking of coercion, threats and all manner of scummy things that people do to get people in to bed and it got me thinking. Maybe she has a point, maybe there is something, a certain grey area, where you had sex but weren’t fully into it. Like I’ve said, it’s something that I think has happened to both sexes, but it wasn’t something I initially considered a ‘grey area’. Now I’m not so sure.

She starts off by giving s some context, some important background:

‘I rolled out of bed around noon that day, in celebration of it being Saturday. After no fewer than 13 hours of drinking, I ended up at my friend Matt’s house. I had been flirting with him all night–and arguably all of my college career.’

So, first point to notice is that alcohol plays a huge part. Does that lessen my sympathy somewhat? Kind of. Let’s make this clear right now, because I know how this next paragraph will be used against me.

  1. A drunk woman who’s unconscious and is penetrated by a penis/finger/dildo/bottle, etc without knowing about it has been raped. Simple as that. No grey area, no moral ambiguities. She’s passed out, she’s off limits. Same goes for any guy, but this article is about women, so bear with me.
  2. A woman who is drunk and consents to sex with someone who is equally or more drunk and then regrets it has not been raped. I’m not of the opinion that increased alcohol consumption somehow nullifies the decisions you make. Choose to drink and drive, you can’t use the ‘oh, but I was too drunk to consent to driving’ argument.
  3. A woman who is drunk and has sex with someone who is not as drunk as she is…well this is where I think there is possibly a grey area. It depends how big the difference is. If she’s wasted and he’s only had a couple then I still don’t think it’s rape but I think he’s a bit of a douchcanoe for taking advantage. Again, switch the genders and I’d think the same, as I talked about in my blog on Amy Schumer.

So there, my, very brief, feelings on alcohol and rape. To put simply; we trust you to make the decision to drink at 18, if you don’t think you can handle that responsibility, don’t drink. Don’t get wasted, do something ou regret and then try blaming somebody else.

Anyway, Hot Piece is drunk and ends up with someone she’d been flirting with for, probably, a couple of years.

He wasn’t traditionally good-looking, but he was a notorious charmer with some serious bad boy in him that made him weirdly hot in a not-hot way. Even though we’d been strictly platonic since we met, I always felt a twinge of secret excitement when I had his attention, so when I found myself having a heart-to-heart with him in his bedroom, I felt a weird combination of emotions. Part of me felt as if I was 15 again. I was excited and nervous to be there. I was hyper aware of my body, and of his, wondering, maybe even hoping, he’d kiss me. Another part of me felt that this was wrong. Not in an “it’s wrong, but it’s hot and scandalous and I still want to do it” way–wrong as in not right, wrong as in uncomfortable. This was not a guy I wanted to get involved with. This was a guy who’d had anonymous girl after anonymous girl in and out of his bedroom since we were in the dorms. This was a guy with whom I’d had countless conversations about his inability to care about women, romantically. This was Matt. He interrupted my inner conflict with something that would have way more weight years later.

So not only had she been flirting with him for quite a while, he had a certain bad boy quality that made him appealing to her, though she didn’t know why.

This is why we need such an open, honest discourse on rape, not one that is influenced or shaped by feminist dogma. Yes, she secretly wanted him, wanted him to kiss her, she was excited to be there, he made her pussy twinge (sorry, had to put that there).

But there was a feeling there that this wasn’t what she wanted, that he was not the type of guy she wanted to have sex with, he wasn’t approaching this situation the same way she was, that, despite her previous feelings, this was not an experience she wanted.

Was the alcohol a playing factor in this, would she have been more clear-of-thought without the alcohol? Of course, that’s what alcohol does. But here’s where she begins to lose me, and it’s not because I hate her and want her to suffer, it’s simply because I’m going to treat her like an adult. She’d made the decision to spend 13 hours drinking. Yes there’s an inner conflict that had been there for some time, but this was the end result of her decision that morning to go out drinking.

So, what did he say that would ‘have way more weight’ years later:

“I feel like you want me to make a move, just so you can turn me down,” he said.

This is what alcohol does, it exacerbates things, amplifies the dormant parts of your personality. Without knowing it she was giving off signals to him, signals that suggested she wanted him to make a move but also that she just wanted to be able to be ‘the girl who turned down Matt’.

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t drink alcohol, I haven’t for a few years now, but that’s doesn’t mean I didn’t at one point. I found that, when I was drunk, I was a prick. Normally I’m quite reserved, happier to watch than take part, but alcohol turns me into a loud, obnoxious, overbearing piece of shit who’s no fun to be around. I detest who I am when I’m drunk almost as much as I detest the taste of alcohol itself.

This is the thing about alcohol, it does fuzz your brain up, it changes who you are, it takes those suppressed bits of personality and puts them on loudspeaker. The funny thing is, no matter how drunk I was there were always, always moments of perfect clarity, moments where I would suddenly snap back and think ‘what the fuck am I doing, why am I being such a cunt?!’

Is this what happened to Hot Piece? Possibly, the alcohol bought forth that repressed part of her sexuality, the part that really, really wanted to fuck Matt, yet it couldn’t take over completely, and remnants of clarity remained. That’s the risk you run when you drink. Can’t handle it? Don’t drink,

Before I even had a chance to decide if he was right, we were making out. In my state of extreme intoxication, my mind was racing in search of a decision. This was exciting. This was fun. But this was also really, really weird, and ultimately, not a road I wanted to go down. I couldn’t decide if the excitement and lust in the air would win over the pit in my stomach. It wasn’t until he grabbed a condom that I really knew how I felt. I was not okay with this. I did not want to have sex with him.

And here’s where the article changes from fanciful, possible fantasies fulfilled to confused, but not raped, drunk woman.

It was exciting, it was fun but, ultimately not something she wanted to go through with. She says it herself, she did not want to have sex with him.

But I did.

And this is where, in my opinion, the articles makes its greatest shift. From empowered, drunk, fantasy-fulfilling strong woman to victim. She didn’t want to have sex, yet she did. Cut and dry case of rape, right? Well, not quite, and this is where the ‘gray area’ of the article’s headline comes in.

It’s also, unfortunately, where she starts to try and apportion blame to other people. More importantly, it’s where the sly undercurrent of anti-male bias comes in, where the undercurrent of victimhood comes in. This is why I say it’s so, so important that an open discourse on rape, or any grey areas in between, must be gender-neutral. This article is not a bad article and I genuinely believe it is not the intention of Hot Piece, or Veronica or anyone else who’s commented on their experiencing a similar situation, to shame all males and claim that, despite the fact she won’t say it, she was raped.

I don’t believe it’s her intention, but I do believe, in some way, that’s exactly what she’s doing. By directing this solely at women and not including men, by approaching this story from a gendered viewpoint she is assuming to speak for all women, and she is assuming to be talking about all men. It’s not overly apparent, it’s not direct and in your face but it’s there. I don’t believe it’s intentional, I believe it’s more a result of the hysteric way we approach, and have approached, rape over the last few years.

Constant talk of rape as only happening to women, especially in these grey areas, and constant refusal to accept anything other than the ‘woman = victim, man = rapist’ line of thinking is sidelining, marginalizing male victims.

Not only that, it removes female perpetrators from the equation. When ambiguous sexual encounters, these so-called grey areas, occur it becomes impossible for women to see how they can be seen as anything other than the victim. It becomes impossible for men to see themselves as anything other than perpetrators. Not only that but it completely removes female victims of female rapists as well. By not allowing women to see themselves as possible perpetrators, by not allowing anyone to see women as possible perpetrators it traps men and women into very, very rigid roles.

That, in my view, is what is happening here. Rather than accept what happened as a bad move on her part, rather than chalk it down to experience and a ‘fuck I’m not getting that drunk again’ mentality she tries to look for reasons. She doesn’t use the word rape but, it would appear, she is looking for someone to tell her what she wants to hear – that she was raped, that the fault for her bad decision was not her own.

Is that explicit? No, and I’m not suggesting that every woman has this kind of thought after a regrettable sexual encounter, but the fact that the headline actively states that ‘almost every girl’ out there has experienced this kind of morally ambiguous encounter suggests that, actually, she is not only trying to assuage her own sense of guilt, but appealing to others to help assuage it as well by sharing their stories.

That might seem harsh, but the rest of the article is where, personally, I felt the most cutting criticism of men comes in and where a feminist victim narrative takes over.

He slid inside me and I didn’t say a word. At the time, I didn’t know why. Maybe I didn’t want to feel like I’d led him on. Maybe I didn’t want to disappoint him. Maybe I just didn’t want to deal with the “let’s do it, but no, we shouldn’t” verbal tug-of-war that so often happens before sleeping with someone. It was easier to just do it. Besides, we were already in bed, and this is what people in bed do. I felt an obligation, a duty to go through with it. I felt guilty for not wanting to. I wasn’t a virgin. I’d done this before. It shouldn’t have been a big deal–it’s just sex–so I didn’t want to make it one.

So, after all the flirting, the chats, the excitement, the nerves, the kissing it finally happened. They were having sex. This despite the fact that she’d previously decided she didn’t want to.

Rape? Technically, yes, he raped her. But this is why feminism has distorted rape: she didn’t say anything, so how was he supposed to know? Now, some people in the comments have played the victim card and said ‘why should the onus be on the woman to give consent and not on the man to seek consent?’ Well, that’s pretty much what is happening over there in America, particularly with a new ‘enthusiastic consent’ law that’s been passed in California:

http://edition.cnn.com/2014/09/03/living/affirmative-consent-school-policy/

This is the idea that consent should be ‘enthusiastic and ongoing’. Not a problem for those who are into that kind of thing, but I’ve spoken to women who have had sex without speaking a word and think the whole ‘is it ok if I do this’ is positively weird when it comes to sexual encounters. Policing sex is a tough thing to do, especially when it comes to what is and isn’t consent. Considering that over 70% of human communication is non-verbal it seems almost unnatural to force people to communicate in a way that doesn’t necessarily resonate with them. That’s not to say the law is inherently bad, but it’s perhaps using a sledgehammer to crack a nut in terms of trying to ‘solve’ the problem of sex, teenagers and university.

Anyway, back to the article. Why do I think there’s an undercurrent of male shaming? Because of the language she uses. ‘Disappoint’, ‘easier’, ‘obligation’, ‘duty’, ‘guilty’, etc. These words imply that there was nothing she could do, nothing she could say that would stop him. Despite the fact she claims she doesn’t think she was raped, she’s describing a situation where, actually, she was raped. It shows her as a helpless victim, and him as an uncaring thug who was only after his own satisfaction.

I’m not going to paragraph by paragraph the rest of the article, just highlight some choice sections. The most telling is this:

I woke up with an “oh shit” feeling that quickly turned into an “oh well.” I didn’t really feel I’d been violated, though part of me knew I had.

Exactly, the situation, as she describes it, was rape, by the letter of the law. But at what point did she let the guy know? She didn’t. In this case, policing the way we consent to sex, particularly if consent must be ‘enthusiastic and ongoing’, seems like a good idea, the onus is now on both parties to make sure they both want to go through with the act.

However, how realistic is that as an option? If we’re really going to get into this ‘enthusiastic and ongoing’ debate then shouldn’t she be taking some responsibility for this event as well? The way it’s written, the tone of ‘well I didn’t feel raped even though I kinda was’ again implies nothing but victim status on her.

She goes on to clarify:

I certainly didn’t feel like I’d been raped. But what had happened the night prior was not consensual sex, and I didn’t like it. I wanted the flirting. I wanted the kissing. I wanted the sleepover. But I didn’t want to go all the way. And that’s very hard to explain to a man who is just as drunk as you are.

This is what feminism does when it closes the door on rape discussions. This is what happens when you have such a one sided discourse on what is and isn’t rape, this is what happens when you promote false statistics that filter through media, television, music, etc, etc. This is what happens when you promote a victim narrative that only includes one gender. Because you tell one section of society that they can only ever be victims, you make it impossible for them to think that they can be anything else, or that they could ever just ‘man up’ and get on with life.

Was Hot Piece raped? I’m inclined to say no. Even if we go by California’s new rape law, yes you can say he’s guilty for not seeking consent, but she didn’t either, nor did she verbalise any desire to stop what she was doing, then uses implicitly shaming language to suggest there was nothing she could to stop it. Not only does that show how the Californian rape law is not as good in practice as we would like it to be, it removes any sense of ‘strong, independent woman’ narrative that we are so often told about from and replaces it with victimhood.

There’s also the very important topic of drink. This is what happens when you insert alcohol into the whole sex debate. I don’t drink so I don’t feel really comfortable weighing in to the whole debate to be honest, but I will repeat something that I mentioned in my blog on Magalufgirl – if we deem people mature enough to drink alcohol at 18, then we must deem them mature enough to cope with any mistakes they make when drunk, regardless of whatever ideology, feminist or otherwise, thinks.

The rest of the article deals with the experience other girls have, and whether it matches hot Piece’s. Unsurprisingly,:

As it turns out, almost every woman I spoke to had been there at some point or another.

And that’s my major problem with this article: it only focuses on women. Put aside the ‘grey area’ that she talks about, put aside any debate of what does and doesn’t constitute rape, put aside any moral issues or thoughts of enthusiastic consent and let’s focus on why this article is so damaging to men.

It completely erases men from the discussion of ‘grey areas’ of sex and consent. Should women be allowed to discuss sexual encounters that they find uncomfortable but not rape? Absolutely, I don’t think anyone would deny that, especially not me, but this is not a gender-specific kind of thing. I went through it personally with a girlfriend in the past, the difference is that I don’t have society just waiting to label me a victim. Discussions like this, that focus on uncomfortable-but-not-rape sexual encounters not only dismiss the possibility of it happening to men as well as women, it constantly reinforces the idea that men are just not part of the rape discussion, reinforces the idea that men can’t be raped by women.

By giving more credence to, as Hot Piece later puts it, ‘rape-ish’ situations it drives the suffering of men who have been raped, truly raped, underground. It leaves these men with nowhere to go:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2014/08/19-men-share-stories-of-being-raped-by-a-woman-nsfw/

When we only involve women in the rape discourse, covering everything from what is rape to what could be rape, but possibly isn’t, even though it’s ‘rape-ish’ we tell men, subliminally, inadvertently, that their actual rape doesn’t really count, it’s not as important as women who have been not-quite-raped.

In one of my last few blogs on rape culture, particularly the tendency to ignore parallel situations between men and women and only focus on rape culture when it affects women, I linked to this website:

http://uk.askmen.com/dating/player/44b_love_games.html

The first ‘annoying thing’ women do in the bedroom?

Don’t take “no” for an answer Women are not used to being rejected, so when a man makes it clear that he’s not interested, they’ll just insist until the man gives in to the mercy lay . Unfortunately, she’ll expect a relationship afterwards. If she’s a one-night stand, you should tell her to leave the premises without thieving anything or uttering the dreadful, “call me.”

Yeah, Hot Piece’s entire article condensed down to 4 lines on a list of ‘annoying’ things women do in the bedroom. So now, actual rape is ‘annoying’ when it happens to men, but ‘rape-ish’ situations are worthy of some greater discussions on why women feel so bad about it?

Hot Piece finishes her article by saying this:

We’re saying we don’t know what it was. We just didn’t like it. But by refusing to acknowledge the existence of these rape-ish situations, we’re continuing to subject ourselves to them indefinitely.

Victimhood. The only way you continually subject yourselves to them is because you’ve been taught you’re nothing but victims, that you can’t do anything about it, you must just submit or been seen as ‘whining or bitchy’. This is what one-sided rape discourse leads to.

When a website lists male rape as an ‘annoyance’ it completely eradicates any feelings we should be having for the men in the Thought Catolog link above, men who’s rape was real and brutal. Instead we get ponderings on whether or not that oh-so-awkward-but-not-completely-consensual act was in fact rape or just a bad mistake fuelled by alcohol.

I’m not trying to dismiss Hot Piece’s feelings or tell her how she felt about the situation, I’m simply saying that when rape discussions focus solely on women, and any attempt to broaden it is shut down amid cries of misogyny, it creates a society where women are not made to feel like they can be anything other than victims. When we say ‘women must be believed when they claim they’ve been raped’ it doesn’t leave any other avenue for thought or discussion. When men claim to have been raped we immediately start trying to deconstruct their stories: have they got any proof, did they get erect, was it with their girlfriend, they must have enjoyed it, what man doesn’t want sex?

It creates a society where men can’t be raped and women can’t be rapists. It reates a society where men are told to ‘man up’ over bad sexual encounters, get over it, chalk it up to experience, learn a lesson while women are told that bad sexual experiences are ‘rape-ish’ even when they made no efforts to vocalize their desire not to go through with it.

Women are not weak, they are more than capable of telling someone they don’t want to do something, they are more than capable of being responsible adults. So why do we, time and time again, tell them they aren’t, especially when it comes to sex? When we limit discussions, when we only ever approach a subject through the frame of one ideology, when we constantly tell women they can’t be anything other than a victim, why are we surprised when we get articles like Hot Piece’s that ask if ‘almost every woman’ has experienced a certain sexual desire while not opening up that same question to men?

I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s a difference between rape and bad decisions. Pretty much, this:

http://i1276.photobucket.com/albums/y472/johnsalmonworld/everythinghappensforareason_zpsf63efd58.png

Who’s to blame: men, women, society, feminism? Possibly a mixture of all of them. But one thing is absolutely certain, rape transcends feminism. It is not a feminist issue, it is not a women’s issue, it is a human issue and, as such, humans should be able to discuss it freely, openly and without fear. Until that happens I don’t see how we can change anything.

EDIT: Not five minutes after publishing this blog I clicked onto the Facebook page I Don’t Need Feminism (which is an awesome page, if you haven’t liked it yet, go do it now) and saw they’d shared this picture:

http://i1276.photobucket.com/albums/y472/johnsalmonworld/sexualassaultvsunwantedsex_zps1749be8b.jpg

I think that just backs up everything I’ve said in this blog. When it comes to women we are quick to label it ‘sexual assault’, but when it comes to men we just can’t find it in ourselves to label it as rape or sexual assault.

This highlights perfectly the victimhood I’ve talked about. Men are told to ‘man up’, get over it, shrug it off to a bad experience, women are coddled, babied, told that what they went through was a violation and that they shouldn’t stand for it.

Men can’t be anything other than perpetrators, women can’t be anything other than victims. It’s right there in black and white.

Why men don’t have balls and feminisms lack of self reflection.

Damn, It’s been a really, really long time since my last blog. I try to write whenever I can, mostly at weekends, but even that is becoming more and more difficult as of late. I’m backed up with ideas for blog entries that I want to write about, hoping to get a couple written in the next couple of days that I can post if and when I get the time, but it’s difficult.

The good thing is, the thing that wasn’t ever so apparent when I started the blog just over a year ago, is that the aura surrounding feminism seems to be cracking. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still immensely powerful, and I don’t think it’s in danger of falling apart any time soon, but cracks are appearing. And, the funny thing is, it’s got nothing to do with the MRM, or at least not as much as I see some people claiming. Sure, the MRM is making dents everywhere, but the biggest damage being done to feminism at the moment is coming from within the movement. Yeah, it’s not on a mainstream scale yet, but more and more people, in comment sections on news articles, on Twitter, on Facebook pages are becoming more and more vocal against the victimhood culture that feminism constantly pushes.

It doesn’t help the movement that numerous feminists are publishing articles that are so loaded with victimhood and entitlement that people can’t help but see the movement for what it is – a bunch of perpetual whiners. Let’s make it clear, are there facets of society that are sexist towards women? Yes, of course, I don’t think any sane, rational person would deny that. But, here’s the kicker are there facets of society that are sexist towards men? God, yes! That’s the problem, for so long the narrative on sexism has been geared solely, exclusively towards women that, now, when we men get a little pissed off at yet another portrayal of us as bumbling idiots it seems we are, somehow, hijacking the conversation about sexism, like it’s something that only women experience. It’s this one sided view of what is and isn’t sexism, and the fact that we are not even allowed to simply criticise women for their contribution to society’s sexism, that eliminates any examples of misandry and refocuses everything through the lens of misogyny. When feminists say that abuse of fat men is actually fuelled by misogyny (blog entry on that coming, just wait) it, once again, takes any and all sympathy away from the individual men and puts it squarely on women as an entire demographic. It’s pathetic and, thankfully, more and more people are beginning to wake up to it.

That’s not to say I agree with the idea that men are now the majority sufferers of sexism. Do I agree with claims that, actually, men are the ‘oppressed’ sex in modern society? God no, that idea is laughable. Sexism exists, of course it does, but it’s not about the ‘oppression Olympics’, it’s simply about brokering a discussion where sexism against both sexes is considered and discussed in equal terms, not through the lens of ‘well, hatred of men is rooted in hatred of women’.

So what’s bought this on? Well, yet another article has surfaced asking ‘where have the men gone?’ It seems they’re cropping up more and more often. Unfortunately, they all share one thing in common – a complete lack of interest in asking ‘what contribution have women made’ to this generation of men they seem to hate. This is the all-too-common problem, an article appears that absolutely tears men apart for not being ‘real men’ yet seems to skim over the contribution women make.

This is where the cracks in feminism are appearing. I searched through the comments section, not for long but long enough, and found very few, if any, supportive remarks. Not many people were agreeing with this article and, in fact, a lot of the commenters were women stating how they were sick of the anti-male bias this kind of article seems to have.

I don’t ever intend to do a paragraph by paragraph breakdown when I share articles like this, but sometimes it’s hard not to:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/why-men-dont-have-balls-anymore/

Now let’s start off with the site that hosts it – I know nothing about this site, I don’t remember reading many articles from it, but the few I have read have had a distinctive feminist slant to them, so I’ll assume that if it’s not a feminist site it’s definitely pro-feminist in its ideals.

Straight away we’re told just what it is that has got this woman cursing the pussification of all modern men:

‘Call me old fashioned, but I believe men should go after what they want. Maybe I’m nostalgic for a time that never was, but what ever happened to romantic gestures and bold moves? What ever happened to a guy going after a girl until she agreed to give him a chance?’

“What ever happened to a guy going after a girl until she agreed to give him a chance?” – er, a little thing called feminism happened. And when I say ‘little’ I mean A GREAT FUCKING HUGE THING CALLED FEMINISM. Why don’t men go after girls until they give him a chance? Er, because that’s not romantic or bold, it’s harassment, it’s coercion, it’s rape culture, it’s objectification born out of inherent misogyny yada yada yada, blah blah blah. We’ve heard it all before, from feminists, from non-feminists, from anybody who’s ever put a post on Facebook decrying ‘where have all the good men gone’. You want to go back to a more ‘romantic’ time where men would stand outside a girl’s window and serenade her? Sorry, love, that’s rape culture:

http://mic.com/articles/94844/rape-culture-is-everywhere-our-children-can-see-watch-your-favorite-movies-prove-it

Yeah, so, straight away you can thank feminism, not men, for the erosion of that little nugget of fantasy!

‘I know that “The Notebook” is coming to your mind as you roll your eyes in disgust, imagining some lame Drake-type confessing his love for the neighborhood chick, but it’s only corny if we make it corny. I think it’s heroic to throw yourself out there, to demand to be reckoned with, even if that means getting turned down. It shows masculinity and bravery to fight for something you want.’

“It’s only corny if we make it corny” loosely translates as ‘it’s only rape culture if we make it rape culture’ which, actually, is a pretty good way of explaining how feminists keep the rape culture wheels turning. The louder they scream, the more people acquiesce just to shut them up.

And then we get a slightly re-worded version of the ‘real man’ argument, designed to shame men for not doing exactly what women want them to do. If you aren’t prepared to sacrifice yourself on the altar of pussy, if you aren’t prepared to face 1000 rejections in order to find the one girl who’s ‘worth it’ then you aren’t a real man. It’s a shaming tactic we’ve all heard before and, frankly it’s something we’ve grown sick of. The only people, missy, who are rolling their eyes at this article are people like me, and countless others, who are sick of your entitled bullshit.

You cry and demand that men shut up when women talk about what it is to be a woman, yet here you are telling us how to be a man. It’s an easy argument to make for someone whose contribution to the ‘courting ritual’ is pathetically small.

‘Men stand by waiting for women to come to them. When they see something they want, rather than doing everything in their power to attain it, they wait by, hoping it will fall into their laps. Whatever happened to grand gestures? When did men stop caring about love and start caring so much about their egos?’

Again, I find it funny that a woman is complaining that men stand by and hope things will fall right for them when, societally, the onus is completely on the man for initiating and maintaining relationships in the beginning. It’s even funnier considering her previous paragraph.

I mentioned earlier that’s there’s never any consideration of how women contribute to societal sexism towards men. This is a prime example. This woman, Lauren Martin, expresses a desire for men to make a bold, romantic gesture towards women, then chides them for their seeming lack of forthrightness, this despite feminist’s constant whining that such actions are ‘rapey’ and ‘creepy’ and ‘entitlement’, yet at no point does she ever consider the fact that she is a ‘strong, independent woman’ who is more than capable of doing the fucking work herself.

Here’s the problem with modern men – they simply don’t care about you, Lauren Martin. It really is that simple, you want to know why? Because modern men simply cannot win. We are constantly told to cease our oppressive, rapey behaviour when in bars, we are constantly told that women do not play ‘hard to get’ and one utterance of no should be enough. Then, just to confound things, we get articles like this decrying the loss of ‘masculine’ traits such as persistence and forthrightness.

Put simply, we protect our egos because we’re sick of being shamed and demeaned and demonised. Frankly, we don’t give a shit about love, we don’t give a shit if we hurt your feelings because, quite simply, you don’t give a shit about us.

Was that harsh? Yes. Was it a generalisation? Yes. Do I agree with everything I just wrote? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I think it applies to me. I definitely haven’t run out of patience with women, not by a long shot. Not yet, anyway. But, the problem is that men are not allowed to be ‘done’ with women without being labelled sexist. Not wanting to have anything to do with women is not ‘empowering’, it’s a simple piece of oppressive cuntishness. Another shaming tactic. Yet, when women post a status on Facebook complaining about men (which is a regular occurrence on my real timeline) they are coddled, they are supported, their complaints are wholly upheld. Nobody admonishes them, nobody calls them misandrists, and nobody scolds them for their generalisations.

You want to know why men don’t approach women anymore? Perhaps drop the entitled princess schtick and realise that men are sick of being pulled in a thousand different directions when it comes to relationships. Do you want to be in a relationship? Then put on your big girl pants, puff your chest out and go and get it. Don’t criticise men for being passive when you, yourself, don’t have the balls (sorry, ovaries) to risk rejection. Why don’t men care about love? Maybe it’s not worth all the hoop-jumping.

‘Ego seems to be the root of it all. Men refuse to shed their pride, even in front of women. They refuse to let their friends see them make fools of themselves, even if it means being denied a real woman. But don’t they understand they are just denying themselves that slim opportunity to find real happiness? They’re letting their pride get in the way before they even have a chance to fall.’

See previous paragraph (well, more like ‘mini-blog-entry’) for why men are refusing to shed their pride. So, by Martin’s reckoning, the only way to get a ‘real woman’, or to have even the slightest chance of finding ‘real happiness’ is to embarrass yourself at the altar of womanhood, in the hope she will take pity and allow you into her life? And then she wonders why men are not prepared to do that? What exactly are women supposed to do in this ‘game of love’? What sacrifices are they prepared to make in the courtship ritual?

It’s an epidemic of cowardliness and women are getting fed up. It seems that these days the only real way to get a date is to ask the man himself. In the name of feminism, I believe it’s fine for women to ask men out, but sometimes that girly part of me can’t help but wish to be courted. Maybe we were raised on too many Audrey Hepburn films, but what ever happened to the guy who can’t live until he gets the girl?

Cowardliness? Well, that’s me convinced! I’m so, so sorry, Miss Martin, let me bow and grovel for your forgiveness!

Women are getting fed up? The only real way to get a date is to ask the man himself? Good, maybe it’s time for you to grow the fuck up and stop expecting everything to be handed to you on a silver platter. Welcome to being a man, princess. Welcome to rejection and heartbreak, maybe it’s time you were knocked down a peg or two, knocked off your perch of piousness and entitlement.

In the name of feminism I’d like you to fuck the shit off and stop trying to tell me how it is to be a man.

I touched upon this is my last blog on female, and in particular feminist, entitlement; they want the best of both worlds. They want to be able to say ‘I’m a feminist, I want equality’ but then still benefit from every societal double standard that allows them to prosper in some way. It’s absolutely fine for a woman to ask a man out, but sometimes we just want men to do what they’ve always done, we want to be able to benefit from societal norms that disadvantage men. A part of you can’t help but want to be courted? Sorry, darling, but you only have yourselves to blame. How very enlightened.

What happened to the guy who can’t live until the gets the girl? Feminism branded him a rapist. You reap what you sow.

‘Why is our generation denied the dinner dates and romantic surprises? Women may have high expectations, but men don’t seem to have any at all.’

Er, because you don’t fucking deserve them simply for being a woman? Men don’t have any expectations because all we want is to go out with a nice woman and have a good time. Maybe it’s you and your pathetic expectations that are denying you your happiness. Maybe it’s time you look yourself in the mirror and say “fuck, what if it’s me?”

If I haven’t quite articulated my absolute disgust for this type of hypocritical entitlement then let me make it clear – I think this line of thinking is poison. Unfortunately it’s a line of thinking that is becoming all too common, particularly among feminists. And, once again, the ‘nice’ feminists that would decry this type of shitty behaviour are not the ones writing these articles!

So speaking for women everywhere, here’s a list of the possible reasons men have lost their balls:’

Speaking for women everywhere? And what right do you have to claim to speak for every woman? What kind of arrogance is this?

Do I have the energy to go through all her reasons for why she thinks this generation of men are cowardly? Well, I don’t see why not. It can only get better, amirite!

  1. Drake

‘They hate him because he’s soft, but they all listen to his music (even if they deny it to their friends). But what is it about Drake that turns guys off so much? Suddenly, when a guy does something sweet for a girl, he’s known as “the Drake type.” It’s like this man became an icon for everything men don’t want to be. Don’t guys realize that Drake still gets more tail than any of them? Women not only don’t care that he talks about his feelings, they also get wet to it. Think about it.’

Who the fuck is Drake? I’ll have to admit, and this isn’t me trying to sound all counter culture or anything, but modern, mainstream music really isn’t my thing. As I’m writing this blog entry I’m listening to a Tunisian progressive metal band called Myrath. Sure, I can rock out to the odd pop tune here and there but, generally, chart music just doesn’t resonate with me. That said, who Drake is is not important, it’s the message that Martin is putting forward.

What Martin describes is not a man being sweet, it’s a man bending over backwards, forgoing his own wants and desires, in order to cater for a woman. It’s not what a man wants to be simply because it’s taking away from what a man really wants and, instead, forcing an ideal that we can’t, or won’t, live up to.

Why does Drake get so much tail? Well, is it because you feminist, social justice warrior types are so easily manipulated?

http://i1276.photobucket.com/albums/y472/johnsalmonworld/SJWpickuplines_zpsd9d1f1f8.png

Also, what makes you think a man lives his life by how much ‘tail’ he gets? Why is it so hard for feminists to understand that men don’t measure the success or worth of their lives by their association with women? For decades feminists have decried the social standing of women being dependent on what type of man she was with, whether she was married or not, yet here we have a feminist trying to shame men because they aren’t doing enough to placate the women in their lives and suggesting that, by not pandering to a woman’s every desire, we are somehow ‘not real men’.

  1. They think they will have another chance.

‘They think that connections will keep happening. They think that meeting girls they like will be a reoccurring theme throughout their lives. They don’t understand that finding someone worth liking is rare and doesn’t happen every day.

They could be throwing away the one shot to be with their soulmate because they think they might run into her again or that there are plenty of other girls like her out there. But when they’re thirty and still chasing 20-something bimbos at the bar, hoping they’ll find her again, she’ll be off with the one guy who had the balls to pursue her.’

I wonder if Martin realises the irony that is absolutely dripping from these paragraphs. Here she chides men because she thinks we simply wait and expect things to happen, yet earlier in this very article she laments the fact that she can’t indulge her ‘girly’ need to be courted. In other words, she demonises men, again, for not going after what they want, whilst at the same time crying about the fact she can no longer sit on her arse and wait for the right man to come along. It’s mindblowing hypocrisy and I’m not even sure she’s aware of it.

I also find it amusing that this article is dealing with men who are throwing away their chances of happiness by waiting for things to happen, yet this is not solely the domain of men, it’s the domain of stupid people who have been told their entire life not to settle for anything less than perfection:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2263518/I-left-love-life-I-thought-I-better-Now-Im-childless-42.html

See, anyone can think they deserve better and end up alone. It’s not just something that men do, and yet, once again, there isn’t even an acceptance that women are as guilty as men, just an entire paragraph trying to shame men.

Feminists love telling men that they don’t need us, they can live without us, they don’t need to be provided for, yet they also seem to love telling us just how much we can’t live without them, then call us sexist when we tell them otherwise. It’s getting very boring.

  1. They bruise easily

Their egos are easily bruised. When women get a broken heart, they cry about it and try to move on. With men, the minute one girl breaks their hearts, they are tainted forever. They lose trust in all women and make sure never to put their hearts out there again. But that’s not how you live life. You must appreciate the love you once had and hope that you can find it again.

If the paragraph before wasn’t dripping with irony, this one definitely is. It’s absolutely baffling that Martin seriously thinks this way. Men are so weak that one girl breaking their heart is enough to put them off women forever?

Quite apart from the being untrue, what exactly is the problem with it? If someone breaks your heart why shouldn’t you be allowed to feel bad about it, why shouldn’t you be more cautious with your heart? Again, this goes back to the idea that a man’s worth is judged by his relationship with a woman. This is despite feminists trying to claim that men are never judged by their relationship status. That goes for both sexes by the way, I absolutely understand that a broken heart is something to try and avoid, it’s just the idea that Martin thinks only men pine after lost loves and that women are adept at simply moving on is ridiculous, especially when a quick Google search proves that to be completely false:

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/i-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-i-want-him-back-now-but-he-just-wants-to-be-friends-5773031.html

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130818204151AA2SQ0i

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130511170101AArIGkT

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/recently-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-and-i-think-i-regret-it-35169431.html

http://www.salon.com/2005/08/04/moving_on_3/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/358586-i-broke-up-my-ex-regret

  1. They’re entitled:

‘Men these days seem to think they should have everything handed to them. They believe that because they are the “alphas,” they shouldn’t have to do any work. It’s like when the lionesses are expected to hunt for the males. But when did men begin to think of themselves this way? When did they start needing to be coddled and taken care of?’

Ah, the irony, stop it, it’s becoming too much! Men are entitled? They believe that they shouldn’t do any work? This coming from the woman who actively desires to be ‘courted’ or, in other words, pandered to and catered for. Martin wants to be able to sit back, do nothing and let a man do all the work, yet when men do the same they’re entitled and it’s because they’re alpha? Man, there must have been a point when writing this article that Martin took a step back and said “what the fuck am I on about?!”

Oh, and men are entitled? Right, because feminists never appear entitled do they?

http://www.bustle.com/articles/22935-can-you-be-a-feminist-and-still-expect-guys-to-pay

  1. Social Media

‘You can’t keep blaming social media for your problems, but in the game of love, it’s definitely a factor. Men have become so desensitized to women because they are everywhere now. They think they don’t need to work hard to get women when they can easily just Facebook message the next girl they see posting a selfie.’

Maybe that’s not men’s fault. Maybe that’s because the narcissism of women means men really don’t have to put much effort into online dating, or even social media. I can list on one hand the number of men on my friends list who post selfies at least once a day. I can’t do the same for the women on my friends list. The fact is, it would seem that the selfie is the tool of women, not men. So, yeah, this one I agree with, I just don’t see it as a negative. If women want to plaster selfies all over Facebook, Twitter and any other social media then maybe you should be taking them to task, not men. But then, that would mean having to actually pay attention to the downsides of women, and we know that feminists don’t do that.

  1. Mama issues

‘They were babied by their mothers for too long and now truly believe they are the best people in the world. No girl could ever be good enough for them and they have yet to find a woman who will ever love them like their mommy does. They expect to be praised, coddled and tucked in at night.’

And who is responsible for breaking up the family? It wouldn’t be feminism would it?

If mums are responsible for the babying of men, who’s responsible for the entitlement complex that is exhibited by a lot of women these days, would it be feminism? By all means, call out entitlement and all manner of douchey things that people do, but focus on people, because it’s people that do douchey things. This whole article is finding ways of shaming and demonising men, but not once, not once, does it even think about looking at what women have contributed to this ‘demise of men’. That’s the real problem, social issues addressed by blaming only one side. Real enlightened.

  1. The edible complex

‘You are what you eat.’

I actually have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Like, seriously, absolutely clueless.

  1. They don’t know what they want.

‘They just want to have sex for the rest of their lives. That’s it, marriage is outdated, marriage is stupid and real men never settle for one woman. But just because you don’t want to marry her doesn’t mean you can’t date her. We understand that marriage is becoming an outdated institution, but shouldn’t that just be more reason for grand gestures?’

What? A feminist criticising men for being sluts when, like, all they do is complain when women are called sluts for sleeping around. Fucks sake, you can’t have it both ways. Either both men and women are allowed to fuck whoever they want, or nobody is. Why is it so difficult to decide what your movement is about, or is it that you only want women to be allowed to be sluts, while all the men must show their devotion to women by marrying the leftovers?

I love the fact that feminists are so massively split over marriage. So, it’s becoming an outdated institution, but that just means must try harder? What the shit does that even mean? Doesn’t make any sense. If something’s becoming outdated then why the shit would someone try harder to get involved in it? That’s like the stupidest thing I’ve heard all week!

Men shouldn’t be allowed to be sluts, they shouldn’t be allowed to just shag everyone they want for the rest of their lives, BUT DON’T YOU DARE SLUT SHAME A WOMAN!

https://www.google.co.uk/#q=slut+shaming+is+wrong+feminism

  1. Porn

‘It’s the common case of over indulgence. They can whack off whenever they want and don’t need real women anymore to fulfill their whims and desires. But beyond that, it’s the constant inundation of women in subservient positions. Men begin to see women only in this way, believing they are nothing more than sexual props.’

I wondered when this would show up. Maybe men do see women as nothing more than sexual props. Or, perhaps, it’s because they’re sick of your shit! Perhaps it’s because they’re sick of being seen as nothing more than financial props, walking wallets, protectors, providers and all manner of things that remove any form of independence from women.

I realise I’ve switched between saying ‘them’ and ‘we’ when talking about men. There’s a very simple reason for that: I don’t necessarily see myself as part of what I’ve written. That’s not to say I don’t agree with it. I do, it’s just that I don’t see my relationship with women to have deteriorated to that point. Not yet anyway, and I doubt it will do because I know a lot of brilliant women who are smarter, stronger, more independent and more switched on than me. I don’t hate women, but I certainly hate the protection we afford them these days.

When it comes to simply criticising women it appears it’s a big no-no. We aren’t allowed to do it, lest we be accused of misogyny. Why? I don’t know, but what I do know is that this constant mollycoddling of women is leading to articles like this one, where women are physically incapable of looking inward and seeing how they contribute to the ‘problem of men’. Are some men forgoing relationships and fucking their way through life? Sure, but the question shouldn’t be ‘why are men such bastards’ but rather ‘what’s causing them to behave that way?’

Do I believe being a slut is a viable life choice? No. Would I want to be with a woman who’d slept with hundreds of men? No. Does that make me a slut-shamer. Probably. Do I care? Fuck no, it’s my life and I will allow into it whoever I deem acceptable, as the feminist movement teaches women to do.

An article like this, that shames men, calls them cowards, tells them they have no respect for women while, at the same time, secretly pleading with them to adopt the chivalrous ways of old, ways that women are constantly told to eschew, does no favours for feminism or women.

Luckily, the comments section of this article and numerous others that deal with modern feminism are full of people, men and women alike, who are no longer buying into this mentality.

It’s bad for both men and women. Men are sick of being told to ‘man up’ and treat women like Goddesses, while seeing messages plastered everywhere that ‘women need men like a fish needs a bicycle’. Men are sick of being told that their life’s worth is judged by the way he treats women and whether or not he’s got ‘that special one’ in his life.

Women are sick and tired of being told they are victims, sick and tired of being told they’re as strong and independent as men but then told they need special protection because men are such bastards that women can’t defend themselves from. It’s insulting and demeaning. No, feminism, you do not speak for every single woman on the planet and the more you claim you do the more pathetic you sound and the more you turn people against you.

Feminism, we’re sick of your shit, please, for the benefit of all of us, shut the fuck up.