Archive for July, 2014

Let me start this one off by making something very clear – the article in question is about a 59 year-old woman, I am a 27 year old man. Despite the age and gender gap there is something for everyone in this article, it’s a universal truth that people age and bodies change. The point of this article is not to try and dispute that, it’s something slightly different.
I’m not trying to shame bodies, I’m not trying to say older women aren’t attractive or that they shouldn’t be sexually active, not at all. I just think, for a situation that effects everyone at some point, there’s a disproportionate sense of victimhood running throughout this article. Again, not trying to downplay the anguish she might have felt, just that she’s not the only one, man or woman, to have been rejected due to her body, something that is entirely beyond her control.
One of my Facebook friends commented on an article that had been posted by one of her friends. Generally speaking, that’s how I find a good deal of stuff to write about, through friends of friends on Facebook. It’s a great way to find stuff that normally wouldn’t have made an appearance on my timeline, but it’s also frustrating as, most of the time, I’m not able to comment on them due to privacy settings. So, instead, I write about them on here and just hope that people get chance to read it.
For those regular readers who are expecting the usual anti-feminist slant to this article, prepare to be disappointed. Not that I’m recanting my ways or anything, just that I don’t want to see this through the myopic lens of feminism, I’m simply looking at it through the critical eyes of John Salmon. I want to understand this perspective, I want to see if there are any parallels between a 59 year-old woman and me, a 27 year-old man. I want to see if this particular situation is unique or if it’s one that’s shared by many, irrelevant of gender. Does feminism come into it in some way? Possibly, but that, for once, is not the point of this article.
As I’ve said, getting older is inevitable, but what happens when that natural process actually becomes a barrier to living the life you want to live? That’s the point made by Robin Korth in this article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-korth/sex-over-50_b_5563576.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000039
It’s probably a familiar story to a lot of women, your body changes as you get older, particularly after childbirth, things start to sag and drop, wrinkles appear, certain places are not as firm as they used to be. Korth lays herself bare in the article. Bravely, she strips naked in front of a mirror and scrutinises every imperfection, all for the purpose of writing this article. The reason she feels the need to write this article? A man told her he wasn’t turned on by her body.
Far be it for me to shame anyone else’s body, particularly when I recently wrote about my own struggles with my weight, but this article, for me, seems to straddle the line between ‘we should all learn to love our own bodies’ and ‘a man said something that made me feel horrible, poor me *tear*’.
Is it horrible when something you thought you had a connection with says something that you don’t like? Yes, I’m not trying to deny that. What I do find rather odd in the article is that Dave, the man who spurned her, is quite clear and honest about why he finds her body unattractive and yet Korth goes on to hypothesise an entirely different reason that she feels is accurate. It’s a contradiction that muddles the entire point of the article. It suggests she hasn’t actually listened to what he said, the brutal honesty with which he confronted her, and has instead created a reason that, possibly, spares her some pain, which goes against her reasons for writing the article in the first place.
This is how Korth describes herself in the second paragraph of the article:
I am a 59-year-old woman in great health and in good physical shape. I stand five-feet, nine-inches tall and weigh 135 pounds. I wear a size six in both jeans and panties, and my breasts are nowhere near my navel. In fact, they still struggle to make it full-up in a B-cup bra. My thighs are no longer velvet and my buttocks have dimples. My upper arms wobble a bit and my skin shows the marks of the sun. There is a softness around my waist that is no longer perfectly taut, and the pout of my abdomen attests to a c-section that took its bikini flatness — but gave me a son.
First of all, she’s an inch taller than me and about 100 pounds lighter. Not that that’s relevant in the long run, but I’m just trying to paint a comparative picture. I’m not going to dwell too much on comparing every part of our bodies, but it’s fair to say that, at 59, she appears to be in far better shape than me. What she’s describing is the natural process of aging. Not to get scientific but skin elasticity and all that rubbish take its toll, not to mention the C-section she tells us she went through to give birth. Point is, hers is not a unique situation. Not that that takes away from her feelings of discomfort or the fact she’s come to the realisation that she’s aged, it’s just meant to say that it’s a process everyone goes through.
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that my knees and my back have problems after years of playing rugby. It happens, things change, as we get older there are more chances of us losing the body we, perhaps, once loved. I admire Korth for having the courage to stand naked in front of a mirror and really look at what her bodies like. At less than half her age it’s something I could never do.
So what’s the point of me highlighting that? Well, to me she sounds pretty sexy. I’ve always had a thing for older women, right back to my teens, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that her description of her body doesn’t particularly gross me out. You should also know that there is quite a large market in porn for older women being fucked by younger men.
I’m not suggesting Robin Korth does porn, I’m just stating that, perhaps, letting this one bad experience cloud her judgement, particularly on men, says more about her willingness to become a victim than to highlight our fascination with beauty standards.
She then goes on to say this, and it’s where I think my initial problems with the article occur:
Why this brutal scrutiny of myself? It was time to counter the damage of my culture, my own soft-held fear and to pour warm love on my own soul. It was time to claim every mark and not-perfect inch of my own body — a body that had been called “too wrinkled” by a man who was fetched by my energy and my mind, but did not like the bare truth of me. His name was Dave and he was 55 years old.
I don’t have a problem with her learning to love all of her imperfections, I think that’s a positive step for anyone. I don’t like the idea that she subtly shames the man for his sexual preferences. It’s no secret that we live in a sexually charged age. Sexual freedom is at an unprecedented level right now, there are very few sex acts that people haven’t tried, to the point that even mainstream porn is becoming more extreme as it tries to stay relevant.
However, there still seems to be an undercurrent of anti-male shaming when it comes to sexuality. Sexual freedom for women is seen as a rite-of-passage almost, a way of shedding the veneer of purity and virginity and ‘embracing’ womanhood. Yes, there are still people who see promiscuous women as undesirable but, generally, when that happens the level of support given to those women far outstrips any support given to a man.
The problem I have with Korth is that she suggests that this Dave, who is only 4 years younger, is somehow less of a ‘real man’ by not finding her body attractive. Despite him being attracted to her mind and energy, he doesn’t feel the same way about her body. Korth treats this as if it’s some horrific act that has denigrated her, that has invalidated her entire existence, something that has hurt her so badly she feels the need to do a ‘brutal’ assessment of her own body.
It’s something I see on a regular basis, in fat it’s something that is evident in the comments section of a Facebook page this article was posted on (I’ll get to those later). When men tell women that they aren’t turned on by their bodies, it means the man is, somehow, telling her she’s not worth his time, that he holds unrealistic expectations of women. Simply put, men are shamed for their sexual preference, shamed because they don’t find a woman’s body attractive. In this case, Dave was honest about it, perhaps brutally so, but still, he’s damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. If he’d made up some other bullshit excuse to protect her feelings, she’d still call him a douche when he turned out with a younger woman, when he’s honest about her not turning him on, it’s a demonstration of unrealistic body expectations. In this situation, men can’t win.
She then says this:
We met on a dating site. Dave was interesting, gentlemanly and bright. He held my hand and toured with me on long bicycle rides. He drove many miles to come to my door. He made meals for us both and ruffled my dog’s happy head. I was enticed and longed for the full knowing of this man. And so, we planned a weekend together. That’s when things got confusing, unspoken and just-not-quite there. We went to bed in a couple’s way — unclothed and touching — all parts near. Kisses were shared and sleep came in hugs. I attempted more intimacy throughout the weekend and was deterred each time.
There are two parts to this, the initial romance and then the sexual experience (or lack thereof) and it mirrors pretty much every relationship ever. First of all, the non-sexual stuff sounds quite nice and gentle, quite loving and, ultimately, like a rather vomit-inducing romantic novel. It’s all fairly standard stuff. The change is obviously when the more sexual stuff starts happening and, it’s fair to assume, this is where Dave realises all is not well.
The second half of the article deals with the fallout of Dave’s revelation that he found her body ‘too wrinkly’:
‘On Monday evening over the phone, I asked this man who had shared my bed for three nights running why we had not made love. “Your body is too wrinkly,” he said without a pause. “I have spoiled myself over the years with young women. I just can’t get excited with you. I love your energy and your laughter. I like your head and your heart. But, I just can’t deal with your body.”’
This is where, to me, the article takes on its greatest sense of victimhood. I understand why it might be painful for Korth to hear a man say that her body was too wrinkly, especially as he was only 4 years younger and had spent 3 nights naked in bed with her. However, this is where some of the more acceptable male shaming comes out. And by ‘acceptable’ I mean ‘acceptable by society’. You see, the responses this article has garnered seem to come out in defense of Robin by, unsurprisingly, shaming Dave. While Korth empties her soul about the horrors of being ‘body shamed’ her supporters, in order to try and support her, so exactly what she is trying to highlight in this article – they shame the body of the man. It would be shocking if it wasn’t so damn predictable. I said I wasn’t going to focus too much on feminism, but this is the impact feminism has on modern women. When we constantly shame men who express a sexual desire for younger women and find wrinkles unattractive we don’t celebrate their freedom of choice, we label them as unworthy of any attention. Why is it that Dave should be abused himself for stating, honestly, that he isn’t turned on by a wrinkly body?
There are two viewpoints that seem to come out, and both heap victim status on women, not just Korth herself: he was too honest, brutally honest some have said, he is objectifying young women and upholding unrealistic beauty standards.
He was too honest? This is a case of ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’. Like I mentioned earlier, if he gave a bullshit excuse and turned out with a younger woman then he would have been seen as equally a douche as he is here.
This is where the ‘special snowflake’ syndrome comes in. ‘I want you to be honest, but not so honest that I feel bad.’ Sorry, but that’s victimhood, that’s implying women are so weak that they can’t handle criticism. Let’s take a look at some of the things he said:
‘I asked him slowly and carefully if he found my body hard to look at. He said yes. “So, this means seeing me naked was troublesome to you?” I asked. He told me he had just looked away. And when the lights were out, he pretended my body was younger — that I was younger. My breath came deep and full as I processed this information. My face blazed as I felt embarrassed and shamed by memories of my easy nakedness with him in days just passed.’
Does that sound too harsh? Maybe, but at least he was being honest and, at the risk of sounding unsympathetic, she did ask. He told her ‘without a pause’ that her body was too wrinkly. It’s hard to figure this one out, would she rather he made up some excuse to excuse her pain? It’s a no-win situation, he’s honest with her here, told her he had imagined she was younger and yet she feels embarrassed and ashamed.
‘He spoke of special stockings and clothing that would “hide” my years. He blithely told me he loved “little black dresses” and strappy shoes. He said my hair was not long and flowing as he preferred, but that was okay because it was “cool looking.” I felt like a Barbie Doll on acid as I listened to this man. He was totally oblivious to the viciousness of his words.’
Again, another instance of male shaming. He proposes ideas that would help the physical side of the relationship yet she isn’t interested at all. She, again, claims victimhood, feels like a Barbie who is there to be dressed. This is the society we live in, a society where we are not allowed to criticise women’s bodies or suggest ways to make them more of a turn on. On the other hand, we live in a society where men are constantly being told to change their ways in order to make themselves ‘better’ for women. Men are constantly told how to be a ‘real man’, how to change everything they are in order to impress, and keep, a woman interested. Men are constantly told about how to treat women, that if they don’t treat them the right way then there can be no reasons for feeling aggrieved if they are cheated on.
This is something that we have come to accept, women must not change who they are, they must stay strong, they must stay independent, they must not let a man make any changes to them, while men must change everything about them in order to prove how ‘real’ they are and demonstrate their ability to treat women properly. This is the double standard of society, women are women and may live how they like, any form of criticism, whether it’s because they’re too stupid, too intelligent, too fat, too thin or any other superficial reason is a sign of misogyny and a clear danger sign that they should run from. Men, on the other hand, are supposed to just be happy that a woman has deemed them worthy enough, deemed them passable enough to drag them from the gutter and make them presentable to wider society. Don’t like your husband’s beer belly? Don’t like your boyfriend’s hairy back or, God forbid, don’t like the size of his penis? Well, if the man isn’t willing to do whatever necessary in order to change himself to meet your standards then just walk on by and leave him, leave him to return to the gutter where he belongs.
Because, there’s outrage when Dave tells a woman her body is too wrinkly, but where’s the outrage here:
https://twitter.com/heightismwatch

and here:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/hok-leahcim/2014/07/24-offended-men-reveal-the-times-overweight-women-criticized-their-bodies/
So you’ll forgive me for feeling little sympathy for Robin Korth being told her body is too wrinkly when there is an entire Twitter account devoted to hating on short men. Both are dealing with natural things beyond one person’s control, yet one cause outrage and the other doesn’t. Tell me how that works?
As for objectification, this is ridiculous. Apparently, now a man simply telling a woman the kind of things he likes to see her wear is objectification:
‘He had turned me into an object to be dressed and positioned to provide satisfaction for his ideas of what female sexual perfection should be.’
Can anyone say victimhood? He’s suggesting ideas for ways in which their relationship can be improved and she immediately only sees the negative. Yeah sure, I can see why it might seem a bit harsh that he’s saying ‘why don’t you do this and I won’t find your body as bad’, but at least he’s trying to find ways to improve things. Again, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I also struggle with the idea that, for some reason, wanting the woman you want to be with to look good is some inherently negative thing.
I’d just like to share some of the comments directed at me by possible female suitors:
If you cut your hair, you’d be more attractive.
If you lost some weight you’d be more attractive.
If you were a bit taller you’d be more attractive.
If you weren’t ginger, I don’t really date ginger men.
Can I change the first two? Yes. Would I change them simply because a woman who I’d only recently began seeing asked? Probably not, but at the same time I wouldn’t run to the internet to whine about it because some woman asked me to lose weight in order to fit her ideas of ‘male sexual perfection’. If someone finds overweight people unattractive then you either make the steps to change or you find someone who does accept those traits. I could dye my hair (and have done in the past) but I don’t feel like I should change one of the fundamentals of my person just because someone else will find me more attractive.
But doesn’t that go against everything I’m writing here? No, I’m not suggesting that Korth should do everything suggested by Dave, just that the fact he’s suggesting them is not some all-evil attempt by the patriarchy to batter her into submission and promote unhealthy female sexual appearances. If she did decide to do them that’s completely her choice.
There is one comment from Dave that, I think, this whole article hinges on and, if looked at properly, can kind of make this whole situation understandable:
I have spoiled myself over the years with young women.
One point a lot of women were making in the comments was that the above quote was misogynistic and objectifying. It also goes back to Korth’s quote about ‘female sexual perfection’. Women claimed it promoted unrealistic body images, but the point is we are never told what those bodies looked like. There’s no consideration that, actually, these young women might not have the perfect ‘bikini bodies’ that a lot of women assume they have. There’s actually no mention at all of body types. And anyway, so what if he prefers younger women. Again, when older women target younger men there is no comparable outrage, in fact older women have their own label – cougar. Now, some people use it in a derogatory way, some in a positive way. But here’s the thing, do you want to know what older men who target younger women are called? Creeps. Or perverts. Older men targeting younger women is seen as something dirty, something creepy and worthy of our scorn.
I’ve done enough blogs on objectification to no longer give a shit about women complaining men judge women on their bodies. Everyone does it, it’s a natural thing to be turned on by the body of the person you love. Yet, for some reason, we still shame men when they reject women because they don’t find their bodies sexually pleasing. It’s almost like we’re motoring towards a society where men are not allowed to show even the slightest hint of preference when it comes to women. If you don’t like fat women then you’re a sexist piece of shit, etc, etc.
I’m not against what Korth says in this article. I applaud her for finding the inner strength to love her body in the face of rejection, warts and all. What I do have issues with is the implicit male shaming and the response to the article by commenters, particularly women. By trying to show support and solidarity for Korth in her journey men are shamed and downtrodden, generalised and criticised. In essence, in order to elevate women or, in this case, one woman’s level of self esteem, men are cast aside and forgotten.
This story was posted on this Facebook page:

and the comments were entirely predictable:






In order to help elevate Korth’s self esteem and inform her that she is not alone, these women routinely shame not only the average male but Dave as well, despite knowing absolutely nothing about him. In order to appease Korth’s body fears they denigrate and make assumptions about Dave’s body, despite knowing absolutely nothing about it.
This is the society we live in, where a woman recounting one unpleasant experience opens the door for a torrent of male shaming, their only crime being an admission that a 59 year old’s body did not turn them on. We are getting to the point where a man cannot even hold an unsavory opinion of a woman, let alone actually express it.
Were Dave’s words harsh? I suppose it depends who you ask. Was Korth right to shun him for making her feel bad? Yes, it’s her life, it’s her body, she can do with it what she wants. The problem I have is that Dave is taking the brunt of this abuse for simply being honest about his sexual preferences.
Not to be crude about Korth’s body, but if you’re used to eating high quality steak every night, you’re not going to be particularly happy when someone plonks a McDonalds hamburger in front of you.
A crude analogy I know, but at what point are we going to be able to say ‘sorry, I don’t eat McDonalds because I can get better elsewhere’ without being shamed for simply expressing an opinion.
Women are strong, independent and capable, yet until they can start taking criticism in the same way men are expected to then they are never going to break through the equality barrier. Yeah, bodies age and start to wrinkle, the tightness goes and we start to look old. Some people, like Dave, don’t find that attractive.

I feel for Korth, I really do, but she is not the only person, man or woman, to be rejected for her body. If the point of the article is simply ‘I had a bad experience, now I love my body’ then great, all power to you. If it’s to say ‘a man made nasty comments about my body, boo hoo give me sympathy’ well, then I guess it’s time for you to man up and join the club.

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To be honest, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to approach this one. There isn’t one specific topic that I can focus on, unlike previous blogs on rape culture and gender violence I can’t just file this into one category. It covers a whole gamut of issues that need discussing, from alcholo abuse to consent to rape culture to personal responsibility. I’m going to address issues of alcohol and consent as I think they are the two main pressing concerns, but there are also numerous other factors that play in to this and could do with being explored.

Do I hope to be able to explain why this particular blog is being written? I don’t think I can, I don’t think there’s any cast-iron explanation I can give to this, just a series of explorations and considerations to understand how we’ve got to the situation we’re in now regarding alcohol and consent, particularly among teenagers and particularly abroad.

If you haven’t heard of this story yet, then read this:

http://www.inquisitr.com/1333089/british-tourist-in-magaluf-video/

It’s the story of a drunk female tourist who performed oral sex on 24 men in the hopes of winning some prize. I’m reluctant to say she was offered a holiday as there are conflicting reports about what she was actually offered. Some say she was offered a holiday, some say it was made clear that ‘holiday’ was the name of the drink, some say there was never a mention of a prize. Anyway, she sucks off 24 guys for some reason while the DJ, and numerous others, egg her on.

Of course, it was all captured on film and put on the internet. Cue cries of rape culture and slut shaming from a certain group of people.

Before I carry on with the story I’d like to just fill you in on some background about me and my relationship with alcohol. I’ve thought about writing this in the past but it never seemed appropriate. I think now is a good idea. I have some pretty strong views on alcohol that might offend you but, as I’ve often said, I don’t give a fuck.

I detest alcohol. Really detest it. I’m teetotal and have been for a while now. I’ve never liked it, even when I was 16 and everyone else was really getting into it. It alienated me from a lot of my peers, while they were all out drinking on a Thursday I was at home playing computer games or listening to music. It’s amazing how much of a social pariah not drinking makes you. I have had alcohol, I bowed to peer pressure for a number of years, but I don’t think there’s ever been a point when I’ve enjoyed drinking.

When I was at university I drank a lot. Not because I enjoyed it but because I hated where I lived, I hated my housemates and I wasn’t enjoying being at university. That says something of the power of alcohol that I detested everything about it, but couldn’t help myself. It numbed the pain, it helped me to forget, ironically it helped me forget how much of a hypocrite I was being: I hated alcohol yet couldn’t stop drinking it. I carried on drinking until I was in my early 20s, then decided that I didn’t want to live my life by other people’s rules. If they didn’t want to be around me because I didn’t drink then I don’t need them in my life.

What’s the point of regurgitating that rather pathetic part of my life? Well, I understand the social pressures to drink alcohol, I know how it feels to drink when you don’t want to, simply because you want to fit in. I was in my 20s before I realised I didn’t need validation of other people to enjoy myself. Even now, at the age of 27, I find myself shamed on a regular basis when I don’t have a drink, I find people get mardy and say shit like ‘well, if you’re not drinking that means I can’t drink,’ Well, if you’re that fussed, fuck off and drink with someone else.

If I feel that way at 27, I can only imagine how bad it is for an 18 year old in 2014. Alcohol is so easy to get, so cheap and, ultimately, a staple of the teen experience. It plays such a huge part in their lives it’s no surprise that we get television shows like Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents (or whatever it’s called) where concerned parents follow their, often young, children to places like Magaluf to see what they get up to. Debauchery is normally the end result.

Anyway, point is alcohol plays a massive part in this event. Would she have sucked off 24 men if she wasn’t drunk? I highly doubt it. She probably hasn’t sucked off 24 men in her personal life, so why she thought it was a good idea to do while she was drunk is anyone’s guess.

Of course, it brings up the rather pertinent issue of consent and alcohol and, indirectly, rape culture. There are a few questions that have been swirling round my head:

1) Was she in any mind to consent?
2) If not, was she raped/sexually assaulted?
3) If you’re making that claim, were the men she sucked off sexually assaulted?
4) Why is she being called a slut when the boys aren’t?

Of course, point 4 is a massive headache of a question on its own. Obviously,
Twitter warriors are out in full claiming that she is being criticised and ‘slut shamed’ while the men are being lauded as ‘heroes’ and ‘lads’. However, a quick scan of Twitter shows something rather odd. Yes, there are quite a few people (women included) who are calling the girl a slut, but I am yet to see anyone explicitly calling the boys ‘heroes’ and ‘lads’. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place. Once again, it would appear that there are more people actually talking about the double standard than committing the double standard.

I also find it funny that while the girl herself is being ‘shamed’ nobody seems to be commenting on the boys receiving their fair share of shaming:


I apologise for the second one, I didn’t realise that ‘silent’ box was on the
screen, but it was basically a comment about it being ‘freezing’ in Magaluf, therefore explaining the small penis. So, the girl is getting shamed for her sexuality, supposedly, while the boys get shamed for their penis size. It’s all pretty fucked up, yet once again we are told of the victimisation of one person. Now, I’m not trying to say she hasn’t been shamed, because there are all manner of posts on Twitter calling her a slut, but I can’t find any posts explicitly calling the lads ‘heroes’. It’s an easy, quick, way to garner sympathy to roll out the ‘stud/slut’ argument when this sort of stuff happens.

The one major thing that seems to be underpinning this whole event is the idea of alcohol and consent. Treading into those murky waters is dangerous, particularly when it comes to women, alcohol and sex. I’ve written enough blogs on rape culture to know that, sometimes, even one drink is enough for feminists to claim a woman is not of sound enough mind to consent to any sexual act.

This video shows the girl was pretty loaded on alcohol. It also shows that all the boys were too, and pretty much everyone in the entire club. It does bring up the topic of alcohol and consent but, typically, the feminist narrative seems to be directing the argument towards one party and one party only: the girl.

It would be extremely neglectful of me if I didn’t appreciate, in some way, the effect this will have on the girl. Yeah, she fucked up, she made a fool of herself in front of a lot of people and had herself recorded while she was doing it. Was she coerced by the DJ and other people in the club? I can’t rule out that possibility, but was she the only one coerced? Clearly, she wasn’t.

I’m not going to link the video here, simply because I know, legally, there may be some investigation and I have no idea where I stand on those grounds, plus I don’t feel the need to share it around, other people are doing that. In the interest of research I have watched the video so I could see if it was as bad as people are making out.

It’s pretty bad. Not in a ‘OMG she was raped’ way, but it was the least sexy thing I’ve ever seen. Not that it was intended to be sexy, but you know what I mean. First of all, what she did can’t be considered a ‘blow job’. And that’s not coming from a macho ‘hur hur I’ve had better blow jobs off my cat’ kind of shit, I mean literally I wouldn’t call them blowjobs. She literally puts a guys dick in her mouth, gives it a quick coat of saliva and moves on. Imagine this: take your finger, stick it in your mouth until it hits the back of your throat (try not to be sick), take it out, then do it again. That’s what she did. The way the media are representing it is as if she was on her knees sucking them off until they came. I don’t think any of them came.

Anyway, point is it was a drunken fumble between a girl and a shitload of boys. Obviously the question of consent comes into it, particularly within the narrative of ‘rape culture’ but there’s an interesting perspective that pretty much every article that talks about this event seems to exclude:

Were the boys raped too?

This article was published on the Telegraph shortly after the story broke:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10945990/Magaluf-girl-How-far-would-you-go-for-a-free-drink.html

Obviously it deals with the concept of alcohol (I’d fucking ban it if I was in power, so it’s a good job I’m not) and coercion and peer pressure, but it also comes at it from the viewpoint solely of the girl.

For anyone who’s watched the video, it’s clear that not every one of the boys are willingly getting their cocks sucked. In fact, there are a handful who seem to be initially hesitant and one in particular who quite clearly has both hands on his shorts trying to stop other people, the girl included, pulling them down. Why are we talking about coercion simply from the female perspective when, clearly, we have seen a case of a willing girl performing a quick oral act on an unwilling boy? That’s why we’re in the mess we’re in when it comes to alcohol and sex, because we only see it as a gendered problem, we see it as victimisation of girls and girls alone. What do we say to that boy in the video who didn’t want to be part of it? Sorry, but your rape just isn’t important enough?

If we look at the idea of consent it throws up a whole minefield of unanswerable questions. It throws up a laundry list of questions that we can’t answer. And I don’t mean we can’t answer them because there is no answer, I mean we can’t answer them because it takes away the victimhood from the girl, it stops her from being a victim and actually places a modicum of responsibility on her. I don’t want to include feminism in this post too much because I feel this is beyond feminism, the second I start making posts about alcohol and sex and try to justify it by feminist standards is the day I end this blog. But the ideology of feminism does need to be brought up in this instance because it highlights some of the more hypocritical aspects of the movement.

The girl in the video was 18, she’s above the age of consent for both alcohol and sexual behaviour. Therefore, there should be absolutely no issue of what she did being illegal. In terms of sex and beer, she’s completely legal, in terms of people filming it, she’s completely legal. Of course, the matter of consent does come up when you stretch it out to ‘did she consent to be filmed and then have that film uploaded’ but, as far as I’m aware, there’s nothing you can do to prevent being filmed or photographed in a public space. The answer to that one is simple, if you don’t want to be filmed performing sex acts on 24 men then don’t do it in public.
When it comes to rape culture we get the buzzword ‘informed consent’. Did the girl in the video give informed consent? Was she able to? If we go by feminist rape standards then no she wasn’t. Technically, by ‘rape culture’ criteria, she was at least sexually assaulted, if not raped. But why? She was willing, she was the one who was finding cocks to suck, she was the one who pulled down a boy’s short who didn’t want to be part of it.

It’s because of the alcohol. As previously mentioned, some say that only one drink is necessary for women to be unable to give ‘informed consent’. As little as one drink can make a man a rapist. There’s one thought I can’t get out of my head though, one thing that keeps swimming round that won’t go away – if we claim, by rape culture criteria, that the girl is a victim of sexual assault or rape on account of the alcohol she’s consumed, no matter how much, then that means every single boy whose cock she sucked was also at least a victim of sexual assault. If a willing girl, on video, is shown to be the victim due to the alcohol she’s consumed, then what does it make the boy who didn’t want his shorts pulled down? If a willing girl is a rape victim because of alcohol, what does that make an unwilling boy?

Feminisms definition of rape suggests that women who are drunk cannot consent, but there is very little by way of applying that same set of standards to boys. James Taranto copped a shitload of flak (and a defense from me) when writing earlier in the year about this line of thinking. When it comes to drunken sex, especially among young people, we place all burden of responsibility on the man, even if he is showing an equal level of drunkenness. Why is that the case? It’s something I’ve yet to hear a good enough explanation for. Why is the burden of responsibility placed on a drunken man and completely removed from a drunken woman? This is an ideological movement that claims women are independent and strong, yet it doesn’t give them enough credit to allow them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for those decisions.

The girl in the video is 18. She’s old enough to drive, vote, drink alcohol and have sex, yet for some reason feminism dictates she is not responsible enough to make decisions while drunk. How is that empowering? How is that being strong and independent? It isn’t, it’s pathetic and infantilising and treats women as weak morons who are unable to cope with the aftermath of their decisions. The girls was old enough to drink, if she can’t handle the ramifications of what she does when she’s wasted then there’s a really simple solution – don’t drink. That’s being responsible, that’s being strong and independent, that’s noticing a character flaw you have and doing something about it. That’s what the majority of women are capable of. But no, according to feminists the fault is not with the girl, but with every other person, even the unwilling boys who felt pressured into letting their dicks get sucked.

Consent is such a murky topic that it’s of absolutely no benefit to try and treat women like moronic neoliths who are incapable of a) making decisions and b) dealing with the aftermath of those decisions.

When consent becomes a gendered issue it becomes impossible to police. ‘Rape Culture’ and rape hysteria do nothing to actually helping real rape victims. When a woman gets drunk and does something stupid, she needs to accept those consequences, the same way we expect men to. In a sense, she needs to ‘man up’.

If an intoxicated woman is abused while asleep or unconscious then that is rape, pure and simple. A drunk woman willingly going around a nightclub sucking off 24 men is not rape. If it is, then what does it say to that boy who wasn’t willing to get involved yet got his pants pulled down anyway, by the girl who was supposedly raped? It is such a ludicrous state of affairs that it’s hard to get your head around. A willing girl becomes a rape victim, what does an unwilling boy become? Forgotten.
Is there an element of coercion to this ordeal? Yes, the DJ being one of them, the others in the bar played their part as well. But, and it’s a big but (arf arf), there were a number of boys who were coerced as well, yet that seems to be glossed over in order to focus on the victimisation of the girl.

We need to educate our teenagers about drink and drugs and sex. We need to tell them that being careful and not over indulging in alcohol is important, we need to tell them that social pressures exist and social coercion is something they will deal with on a daily basis. I wish somebody would have told me that when I was 16 and drinking was the best way to fit in. We need to educate young people to be strong in their beliefs and not feel they need to get absolutely wasted in order to feel accepted or in order to feel a sense of belonging. I wish I had that sense, the strength to say no when I was 16.

What I’m saying is simple – Magaluf Girl was not raped, she was a willing participant in a rather sordid event that was captured on camera and put on the internet. I feel sorry for her, I truly do. I also feel sorry for that boy in the video who really was raped, and whose victimhood has been taken off him and placed on his rapist. She did something stupid while she was drunk. I have too much respect for her as a human being to try and apply a sense of victimhood that is not warranted.

This is why I’m so ardently against rape culture, particularly when alcohol is involved. We assume teenagers are responsible, mature and old enough to drink, but we somehow don’t see them as responsible enough to deal of the repercussions of the actions they perform whilst drunk, particularly girls. How does that work? How does that promote a society of anything other than victims? We give them all of the power, but none of the responsibility (wait, isn’t that a quote from Spider-man?). We treat them like adults, but then treat them like children and mollycoddle them when they do something a bit fucked up, how fucked is that?

How do I feel about the people who uploaded it? Well, they’re cunts. But, and this is important, cunts will be cunts, it’s the world we’ve created for ourselves. Cunts will do cuntish shit because they’re cunts. If you don’t want to be plastered on the internet then don’t do stupid shit in public while someone has the chance to record you. That’s the responsibility we should be teaching our teens, not telling them it wasn’t their fault when they make fools of themselves.

What about the people calling her a slut and the lads heroes? Well, those people are also cunts, but I’ve honestly yet to see that happen so it’s not something I feel I particularly need to mention.

Would I still date the girl? Yeah, of course. I don’t see her as damaged goods simply because she did something stupid while she was drunk. I’d be a bit wary of her going on a night out in future, but that’d be it.

This should be a brilliant starting point for discussions about alcohol and the muddy waters of drunken consent. Unfortunately, until we stop relating all these discussions back to ‘rape culture’ as a way of absolving responsibility from drunk girls doing stupid shit we can’t have that discussion.

We need to break the monopoly feminism has on rape, until that point we will continue to see situations like this. By the feminist’s own standards, Magaluf Girl raped a boy, yet she still turns out to be the victim? How the fuck did that happen?!