By way of an explanation.

Posted: January 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s Saturday night, normally this is the time of the week I’d sit at the computer and write an entry on whatever feminism-inspired article or meme I’d had spinning in my head all week. That is still the plan for tonight, but, before that, I wanted to just write a short entry explaining why I opened with such a melodramatic introductory paragraph on Wednesday’s blog.

I’ve published three blogs in the last 7 days, which isn’t unusual. What is unusual is that they were all part of a bigger subject. The three parts are here:

Part1: Feminists claim women don’t know what feminism is about, while demonstrating ignorance of what feminism is about.

Part2: I Don’t Need Feminism: Part 2. Come at me, I just don’t give a fuck.

Part 3: I Don’t Need Feminism: Part 3, you dig your own grave.

The first part, posted on Sunday, was initially supposed to be a stand-alone project as a response to the attention the I Don’t Need Feminism photo was getting on various Facebook groups. Somebody commented on that asking if I had ever posted, in one place, a collection of various feminist fallacies, lies, myths and untruths. I hadn’t, but it’s something I had thought about doing. The only reason I hadn’t, up to that point, was for 2 reasons, 1) other people had already done it, so it wasn’t really necessary, and 2) I had already spent a lot of time in individual entries talking about a lot of the stuff that would go into an entry like that anyway, so I didn’t want to repeat myself.

Then, something happened that put me in that foul mood I was in when I wrote blog 2. That was the kicking point for me, that’s when I decided I needed to do something to keep me occupied over the next few days, so I decided ‘fuck it’, I’ll create a blog entry containing as many examples of feminist hypocrisy as possible. It was Tuesday I decided to do part 2. Initially it was only going to be one entry, it was only when I realised I had spread over 5 pages on Word (I write these blogs on Word then copy them across) that I decided to end there and focus on a part 3. So over the course of Tuesday I looked for all the memes and articles I had either saved up to that point, or went looking for ones I know I’d seen but hadn’t saved. Some memes and articles I know I’d seen in the past I couldn’t find, through Google or searching through Facebook, so there are more resources that are in the ether somewhere. If I find them I’ll try and add a part 4, possibly.

So, what happened to change my mind? What happened that put me in such a foul mood as to title my entry ‘I don’t give a fuck’? What happened that made me write that ‘limp wristed’ opening paragraph?

On Wednesday, I had to have my 18 year old cat put to sleep.

I am 28 this year, she was 18. If you do the maths, it becomes clear that I’ve spent not only more than half my life with this cat around, but that she was there when I grew up, as I changed from boy to man. She was part of my life since I was 10 years old. I can barely remember what happened in my life when I was 10 years old, but she was there. I don’t think it’s possible to explain the bond you forge with an animal to someone who has never experienced it, particularly an animal who has been around during the most progressive years of your life.

I don’t think I’d be overstating too much if I said I loved that cat more than most humans. My relationships with humans are borne, mostly, out of necessity. I’m civil when I need to be, I’m civil because it’s the right way to be, but I can’t say I crave human attention. I crave certain kinds of human attention, but 90% of the people I meet don’t fit those criteria.

So, yeah, I knew it was a decision I would probably have to make as early as Saturday. That doesn’t make it any easier, in fact it makes it harder. It makes it harder because it meant I had to spend the next 4 days knowing what was going to happen, I had to spend the next 4 days pretending I didn’t know what was going to happen. I had to go to work and pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t. I had to live life pretending I didn’t have the most oppressive sense of guilt flowing through me, wondering whether I was making the right decision, wondering whether I was doing it for the right reasons.

In the end, I realised that it wasn’t guilt I was feeling, just my own selfishness masquerading as guilt. I realised it was the right decision to make, but my selfishness would not let me make that decision because I wanted to halt my own suffering as opposed to doing the right thing. I didn’t want to do it because I knew how it would make me feel, and I selfishly didn’t want to go through that. I would prolong her suffering in order to appease my own. That was a harsh realisation.

I wasn’t trying to play the victim, I wasn’t trying to make an emotional plea for your sympathy. I was broken, I really was. I had nothing left inside, no tears, no anger, no hatred, nothing. I was writing parts 2 and 3 of that blog in a completely different mindset one that I hadn’t written in before, so I felt the need to explain myself first. Like I said, I apologise if I use my own personal blog to describe how I’m feeling. I you don’t like it, fine, but it speaks volumes about your character if you skip over the entire blog entry and home straight in on the ad hominems. That’s a cast iron way to convince me you have nothing valuable to say.

I’ll point out now, my mind-set has changed, my view on the world has changed, my emotional response to certain things has changed. If that becomes evident in a more vitriolic slant in these entries then so be it, at least now you know the reason.

I’ve got another blog coming tonight. See you then!

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