John Salmon – who am I?

Posted: November 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

This is going to be one of the hardest blogs I’ve ever written, it’s not about feminism, or double standards, or rape culture, or victim blaming, or slut shaming, or circumcision, or victimhood or anything else of a similar nature. This one is all about me. It’s about John Salmon, and John Salmon alone. Narcissistic I know, but bear with me. It is a brave man that truly looks inward and explores their own being, their own failings (And I have many) and then puts it out here for all to see.

So, why do it? Why do it on this blog? Why put it out there at all? Because I need to. This blog, the Facebook accounted I created, the personality I have created as a shield for my real life has afforded me more popularity than I ever thought imaginable. I would honestly consider ‘John Salmon’ to be a more successful human being than my real identity. John Salmon has made an impact that I could only dream of replicating with my actual identity.

Please don’t misinterpret this as a cry for sympathy, or a cry for help, I just need somewhere to vent, somewhere to try and figure out how an identity that doesn’t even exist, an identity that is completely made up, has somehow made me feel more ‘real’ than the identity I was born with, the identity I conduct my everyday life with. I’m grateful, really I am, grateful that what I have to say has resonated with people, made them think about things, agreed with me, allowed me into their circle despite the fact I have shared absolutely nothing aside from a few opinions that, for all they know, could be coming from a feminist infiltrator who is taking their praise and running off back to feminist land to be appalled and shocked at the oppression and victimisation of the internet.

I’m not. What’s the point of this, at the moment rather sorry, blog entry? Well, it pretty much boils down to one statement: I’m incredibly lonely. I now have two lives, my ‘real’ life, and the life I created for ‘John Salmon’. Problem is, I consider John Salmon to be an incomplete existence. Nobody knows anything about me except some very broad information, no-one knows what I look like, no-one knows my real name, my real location or anything that may help give away my real identity. It’s the persona I most identify with and it’s a sham, a lie. It’s a cowardly way for me to hide behind some rather controversial views, hiding because I don’t have the conviction or courage to say these things in my real life. I am surrounded by people, in both my lives, who have absolutely no idea who I am, the real me anyway. Take both identities and stick them together, that’s how you get the real me. But I have to split them. I have to take the bits I can’t say in my real life and apply them to John Salmon, and as John Salmon my anonymity and need to stay somewhat under the radar means I can’t share things that define me as an individual. I have two lives, and yet I don’t truly live in either of them.

The end result is someone who doesn’t know which personality they want to live in. Conflicted, confused, completely at odds with the duplicitous existence they’ve created. Who am I? I have absolutely no idea. I love the attention I get as John Salmon, but deep down I know it all means nothing, it all counts for nothing, because John Salmon doesn’t exist. I can stop being John Salmon at any point, return to my real life and pretend Salmon never existed. Go back to living as an extremely frustrated individual just looking for a way to vent, somewhere to go to prove that I wasn’t insane, I wasn’t alone in the views I had. I’ve found that, I’ve found that on so many levels, and my frustration at life, at myself, at society has dwindled to the point of being almost non-existent. But it’s not enough. I don’t want to have to live vicariously through a fake existence. I shouldn’t have to.

This has been eating away at me for days, and it took me a while to figure out what caused it. I think I finally know. To give you some background, I’m an introvert. Look up the definition of ‘introvert’ and there’s my picture. I have 2 extremely close friends, both male, who I love very much. Aside from that, I have a lot of acquaintances, people who I will talk to if I see them out and about, but who I would never think to ring up at a moment’s notice and talk to for an hour. I consider those two friends my best friends. One of them got married earlier in the year. The other one has recently just got engaged. I realised that the only 2 people who I had any time for (aside from my family) were moving on, getting married and progressing with their lives. Yet, here I am, stumbling through life from one week to the next. It finally clicked, the thing I crave most in the entire world, the thing that I both love and hate in equal measure, the thing that, no matter how much I receive, is either not enough or the wrong kind:

Attention.

I needed attention, whilst at the same time absolutely loathing it. I needed someone to validate my views despite the fact I claim to be unwavering in my loyalty to them. You see, John Salmon was not just a way of me expressing the frustrations I was harbouring; it was a way for me to get the attention that I craved, and yet when I got that attention my first thought was to stop writing the blog. Why? I don’t know. I think the fear is, deep down, that someone will disagree with me, just one person, and that will invalidate my entire existence. Everything I think, every thought I have, every single word I write in this blog will mean absolutely nothing. I don’t know if that’s linked to the introverted nature of my being or just the fact that John Salmon is already a sham of an existence. Every blog post, every status, every damn thing I say I’m waiting for someone to come along and tell me I’m right, tell me they agree with me, tell me I have something worthwhile to say, something valid, that my life is not a waste, that it’s not worthless, that the creation of this new persona wasn’t just a narcissistic ego trip to inflate my own sense of being. That wasn’t the intention, quite the opposite actually. The fact I have this duplicitous lifestyle is something that drives me insane, I don’t want to feel this way, I really, really don’t. It makes me feel like some kind of rejected child. As everyone knows, it only takes one person to bring your world crashing down, no matter how many people helped you build it. ‘John Salmon’, as a personality, is no more successful or inspiring than my ordinary life.

This is the dilemma I now have to live with. Do I retreat back to my old life, the life of ignorance and frustration, but live in the ‘real world’ with people I actually see and interact with in person, or do I carry on as John Salmon, and sink further into a life of anonymity and invisibility? I continue to bang my head into a brick wall, which is the very thing I tried to stop by starting this blog. It never ends.

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Comments
  1. I think the key word here is balance. Its important to have balance in your life, be that real world activities and internet based interests like this. I think without balance its very easy to get a little depressed with the content we have to see on a daily basis. You need that human interaction to balance it up with laughter and fun.

    I don’t think you are alone in feeling like you wear many masks, I think everyone does. Hardly anyone these days that has any common sense posts under their real name. It would be completely foolish to do so. One google search by your potentially new employer and bam you could of lost your job. Therefore its nothing to be ashamed about.

    I have often been guilty of spending too much time on online things, and you have to keep the time you do spend in check otherwise you will lose balance and things can go wrong from there.

    Just focus for a bit on getting your real life issues sorted out. Get signed up to some dating agencies and start going out and meeting people. Socialise at the local pub once a week, join some clubs e.g a cinema club. Anything that gets you out of the house away from the computer and chatting to men and women and leave your phone behind if you use the internet on that too.

    I think with the work we do its very easy to start believing the negativity and get pulled into a pit of depression because of it. When you get out there and have fun with some well balanced individuals you quickly snap back to realising the world isnt as dark as the section we deal with.

  2. MGTOW-man says:

    I want to commend you for your efforts to help men and boys. I read your article about chivalry and equality on Libertarian Republic. You are spot on. However, being truthful about bad women and feminists will make you hated. They hate the truth… as it is their number one enemy. It always has been.

    Too, some men are breaking from the mindless, one-size-fits-all “manhood” herd and growing spines again and are telling the unapologetic truth. Thank you.

    Also, I know Mike Buchanan. He is a fine man who I consider one of my heroes. I hope to attend his ICMI ’16 conference in London intended to help men and boys. Perhaps the two of us will meet there. I certainly hope so.

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