Domestic Violence – It goes both ways!

Posted: October 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

October, apparently, is Domestic Violence Awareness month. It’s all over Facebook. It’s also, apparently, Breast Cancer Awareness month. That’s all over Facebook too. I see so many of these kinds of posts on Facebook I’m not sure whether to believe them or not. It seems every couple of months someone posts a ‘this week is autism awareness week’ or ‘this week is anorexia awareness week’ or something similar. But let’s just take it at face value that October is indeed breast cancer and domestic violence awareness month. Both are things that affect women. Both are things that affect men. But I’ll leave it up to you to guess who’s getting the most attention.

Now, breast cancer isn’t what this blog is about, but domestic violence is. Just because I’m too lazy to keep typing domestic violence (and because I’m always spelling it as ‘domestiv’ by accident), I shall henceforth be referring to it as DV. DV is an issue that is always in the media. Here in the UK it’s almost a daily occurrence in the papers. But it’s massively one-sided.

Numerous studies have shown that women and men commit DV at pretty similar rates, look at the search results on Google if you don’t believe me –

 There’s always a small discrepancy that shows women are victims slightly more often, but it’s usually no more than 3 or 4% which, when you take in to account the probable under-reporting by male DV victims, would probably shrink to nothing. DV is a horrible thing, I definitely share the opinion that you shouldn’t hit a woman, but I generally like to expand that opinion and feel that you shouldn’t really be hitting anyone, regardless of gender. Of course, that doesn’t mean people don’t deserve a good slap now and then, or that fights don’t happen. I watch enough rugby to know that, sometimes, a good punch in the mouth is the best option. However, a punch on a rugby field, that everyone knows will soon be forgotten about, is massively different to a punch elsewhere. And that’s where the problem lies.

Feminists claim we live in a society that is brought up to hate women, yet seem to ignore the fact that any violence towards women, be it domestic, sexual or otherwise, is abhorred by the entire nation. Hit a woman and that’s it, no turning back, you’re a coward, a scumbag, an arsehole, you’re nothing, you’re worse than dirt, and rightly so. Hit a woman and, 9 times out of 10, there will be a pack of men nearby foaming at the mouth, just waiting to mete out some justice of their own. You only have to look at the ‘how can she slap’ video to see that mentality, or the recent video of the Jets fan punching a woman after being punched by he

Anybody who thinks they can solve a problem with violence, or who is so unable to cope with their own problems that they have to take them out on someone else is a scumbag. But guess what, that also applies to women. Women who hit other people because they’re angry or upset are just as scummy and low as men who hit women for the same reason. But, of course, one is far more widely accepted than the other. Again, you won’t need many guesses to figure out which one.

Case in point, I sometimes go and watch local theatre groups put on performances. These are small groups who put on performances in social clubs and other really small venues. 50/60 people capacity at absolute best. I like doing this because I’m watching people who are acting because they love acting, not because they are paid shitloads of money. The admission fees
probably only allow them to break even after they factor in room hire and any costumes they have to buy. One recent production at a local social club was a play called TWO. I can’t remember who wrote it but, basically, it’s about a pub and each piece of acting is between two people – the landlord and his wife, the old married couple, the young couple about to get married, and the two violent relationships.

Yep, TWO violent relationships. One in which the woman was violent, one where the man was. Can you guess how they played out? That’s right, the man was a monster; abusive, controlling, shaming, demeaning, predatory, outright abuse played very straight, very matter of fact, very disturbing and, ultimately, extremely well acted. So well acted in fact that two women actually started crying, one to the extent that she had to leave the room and didn’t return for a good ten minutes. Male on female domestic abuse presented as perfect as you could want it, as perfect as the feminists could want it.

But then there was female on male abusive relationship. This time, however, it was an absolute hoot. The man was an idiot, a loser, a geeky, nervous, shy, awkward wimp of a man who was lucky to have a woman at all, let alone the beautiful, successful woman he did. Many of the same characteristics were present in the woman, she was abusive, predatory, controlling, shaming and demeaning, but it was presented in such a way that, somehow, the man deserved it for being such an absolute wuss. When they first enter the scene, she sends him off to the bar and spends a good 2 or 3 minutes, with him out of the way, soliloquising about how she likes her men rough, tough, chiselled and strong, all while he is trying to best to impress her, completely in vain. She laughs at him, chides him, calls him worthless and is generally an evil bitch, yet we are supposed to laugh. Trust me, I didn’t laugh. Unfortunately, I was the only one not laughing. I was as angry about others laughing as I should have been watching the previous domestic scene.

And that’s the problem, DV against men is so deeply ingrained as something that is acceptable that we find ourselves laughing without even realising it.

Another example – Friends. After Ross sleeps with the copy girl he and Rachel have a huge argument, at one point she starts hitting him with a newspaper. He takes them off her then, after saying something that he knows was wrong, gives them back to her and allows her to carry on hitting him. The implication is that he deserves to be hit because he slept with someone else, a fact that he is well aware of and implicit in as he willingly hands back the newspaper. Fair point, you might say, but what if the genders were reversed? What if a woman cheated on a man, like, for example, Kathy did on Chandler in series 4 (I think), and the man hit her? What if Chandler had slapped Kathy before walking out after learning she cheated? Would we have laughed then?

One of the main problems is that DV (or even domestic abuse as some like to call it) now encompasses so many things that it’s pretty much impossible to keep up. Things like being mean to your partner, not giving them money, excluding them from seeing their family and even withholding sex all come under the DV/DA umbrella. At least, they do if it’s a man committing them. Women are pretty much allowed to get off scot-free when it comes to beating a husband.

What’s the reason for this – somehow, some way it’s always the man’s fault. If a man hits a woman, he’s scum. If a woman hits a man, it’s because he’s scum who probably deserves it. There are enough videos on Youtube that attest to that. Just type in ‘public reaction to women hitting men in public’ and ‘women hitting men in public prank’ for evidence. Regardless of the situation it’s apparently always the man’s fault. How about that for privilege?!

I see it in my job every damn day. Teenage girls who think it’s ok to hit teenage boys for the most trivial of reasons, but who are the first to complain if a boy hits them back. Teenage girls who actively goad and taunt boys into hitting them, then scream at the top of their lungs when he complies. And guess what happens? People, usually other men, are all too willing to join in. Without fail, it’s the male who gets the more heavy punishment while the female, who started the whole thing, will either get off scot free or with a slap on the wrist. They want to be able to hit with impunity, but want to be protected when they are met with retaliation. And this is across all the years, from year 7 right through to year 11, 11 year olds to 16 year olds, the same thought processes, that it’s ok for girls to hit boys, but not for boys to hit girls. Where are they getting this information from? And why do they think it’s acceptable? Is it the films? The TV shows? The TV adverts? The music videos?

Enter Natalie Portman. Yes, that Natalie Portman. Hollywood actor, star of some very big films, active shit-spouter. She recently claimed in an interview that her slap in Thor 2 was ‘for all womankind’, payback for all the times that men have gone out with her friends then not called them or rejected them or some other trivial bullshit. Boo fucking hoo. Your tears are delicious! Like women have never behaved like shits to men after first dates, like women haven’t deliberately agreed to go on dates with men they aren’t attracted to because they know they’ll at least get a free meal out of it, like women haven’t been complete arseholes in the past to men who deserve better. Such a short-sighted statement from someone who should know better. How many times have male celebrities said something off the cuff and daft and been forced to apologise. John Inverdale anyone? Yet where’s the lynch mob for this loudmouth twat? No, I don’t see one either.

I’ve been part of the dating site Plenty of Fish for 4 years. I very rarely go on it anymore. Why not? Because all it does is allow women to reject me without even having to say a word. I send a message, they don’t reply. I send another, they don’t reply. They look at my profile, but don’t reply. I read somewhere that 90% of women on dating sites never have to actually send a message because they’re constantly being inundated by chumps like me who think being a nice guy is worth a shit! “Where are all the nice guys” they say. Well, if you replied to my fucking message you’d know they were right under your fucking noses! Honestly, sometimes I could scream. And that’s what they do when they shack up with some abusive cunt who is the only one available in their narrow-as-fuck view on  desirable men.

Every day we are plastered with images and messages telling us that it’s not ‘real men’ who hit women, that it’s not ‘real men’ who take their frustrations out on their partners, we are constantly bombarded with one-sided, shaming, guilt-tripping campaigns that serve to remind us that men are evil bastards who will punch anything in sight if necessary just to get their own way. Yet, every day we are also plastered with images of women hitting men with absolutely no repercussions at all. Women hitting men that is met with laughter, not shock, that is met with approval, not condemnation, that is met with a smile, not a grimace. Violence that perpetuates the myth that it’s ok to hit men because, more often than not, they’re probably misogynistic arseholes who deserve it anyway.

But it’s not just physical violence. It’s all the other little things as well, withholding money, refusing to allow your partner to see their family or friends, withholding sex – all things that both sexes are guilty of, yet only seem to be committed by men. If you really want to, visit me in my hometown. I’ll take you round the supermarkets and you can have a little taste of how people treat each other. I’ll tell you now, it’s very rare that you see a dominant male. Whether that’s because the woman is ‘in charge’ of the shopping I don’t know, but I’ve heard a lot of women threaten a lot of men in the supermarkets. If that doesn’t fall under the umbrella of ‘emotional abuse’ then I don’t know what does. I live in the middle of England, an ex-mining, very working class area. How much that says about the social structure when it comes to DV I don’t know. That fact is irrelevant, though, as class and social structure, according to feminists, is not an issue, it’s the mindset overall that needs changing.

The picture above is from a news article dealing with the rise in successful businesswomen and the effect on their love lives. I’ve just screen-capped the most blatant admission of domestic abuse by a woman, an admission that has gone completely unnoticed, completely uncommented on and completely ignored. She states that, until he gets his business off the ground she is going to withhold sex. She doesn’t want to go to work, pay the bills and then, in her words, ‘suck his dick’. Could it be that, finally, women are beginning to experience what men have experienced for countless years – be the breadwinner, main provider and yet still expected to be a lover as well.

When women do become victims of DV/DA, when they do get with some arsehole guy who treats them like shit, they have so many options. There are charities and shelters that cater for women only, thousands of them, there are telephone lines you can ring, there are laws that will help protect them, a society that will look out for them, a media that will look out for them (you only have to look at the recent Nigella Lawson/Charles Saatchi case for proof of that), an entire ideological institution that will elevate their problems to top priority in a society that already condemns violence against women.

What do men have? A future of ridicule, of laughter and derision, of shaming and embarrassment. No options, few shelters, few charities, telephone lines that will offer you advice on how to fix your anger problems rather than helping you escape the abuse. We go back to Friends again, an episode where Joey’s new girlfriend keeps hitting him, to the point that it hurts. If that was a man, immediately people would be saying it’s classic domestic violence. Joey owns up to being hurt and gets laughed at and humiliated by a group of people that he himself admits, numerous times over the shows 10 seasons, are like family to him. If that’s what men have to look forward to, is it any wonder they don’t report their abuse?

Erin Pizzey, the woman responsible for opening the first battered women’s shelter in the 1970s, has stated numerous times since then that, of the first 100 women who entered her shelter, more than 60 were as violent, or more violent, than the men they were escaping from. Since then, Erin Pizzey has become a voice in the Men’s Rights Movement. When the woman who opened the first shelter for battered women turns her back on her own achievement to help the other side, and openly accuses feminism of hi-jacking her agenda, who are we to argue?

I’ll leave you with a quote by Bill Burr – “There are plenty of reasons to hit a woman, you just don’t do it.” I think that sentiment can be applied to both sexes.


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