Dear penis, how do I love thee, let me count the ways.

Posted: September 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

Ah, the penis. The very symbol of male oppression and sexuality. The tool with which men have been beating down women over the course of centuries. A weapon which guides every single male on the planet every waking moment. A member of our body that dictates every decision we make, so much so that, with the amount of blood it requires, we cannot run both our penis and brain at the same time.

Except, that really isn’t the case. See, it’s a very popular theory that the world is run by dicks. It’s a very popular theory that a man’s every decision has to be ratified by his dick first. And it’s a very popular theory that the size of your penis is intrinsically linked to how much of a man you are.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I am, very much, proudly, average. In every sense of the word. I earn an average, thought not insufficient, wage, I live in an average apartment, in an average town and do average things – I watch telly, I play games, I surf the internet (yes, sometimes I watch porn), I watch sports, I go to the pub and I hang out with friends. I don’t consider the size of my dick to be in any way essential to how I define myself.

Problem is, it would appear that’s exactly how I should feel. You know how, sometimes, a report or article comes out with some shocking new revelation that blows everyone away and enters public consciousness? And how, sometimes, that article or revelation is debunked countless times by countless dependable organisations, but despite countless rebuttals, that piece of information somehow stays in the public consciousness and just won’t fuck off (I’m looking at you, 1 in 4 rape statistic)? Well, that’s exactly what happened with the ‘average’ penis size. There was a survey conducted years ago that stated the ‘average’ penis size of the western male was 6.5” (or thereabouts). And everyone accepted it as fact because it seemed reputable.

But then, it became apparent that the test was flawed – the men measured themselves, then sent the results in. Which meant that there were loads of men who had measured wrong, leading to skewd results. Never mind the plethora of subsequent studies that actually reduced the average size to in the region of 5”, this particular myth still imbeds itself in western society.

So why this blog? Well, it would appear that dick size is, still, related to how alpha you are. You don’t have a big dick? Too bad, you aren’t a real man. Despite the fact the very word ‘average’ means that the majority in of men in the world will have a similar dick size, if you don’t have a 9” jackhammer then you aint worth shit.

Let’s do some statistic, shall we (and I’m fucking awful at maths), there are, roughly, 3 billion men in the world. Let’s say 10% (because it’s easier to work out) of them are above average. That makes 300 million men. 300 million men who are above average. Now let’s say the same percentage is below average. Another 300 million men. That’s 600 million men in the world who aren’t average, either up or down, on a number of 3 billion. Even if you double those percentages, that’s still less than half, for both combined. That means, more than half of the men in the world are of average dick length, and yet you watch movies, television shows, music videos, and it would appear that having a 9” python is the most desirable thing in the world, despite the fact it’s only applicable to a tiny percentage of men.

So why do I feel, me and my averageness, like I’m constantly being reminded of how woefully inadequate I am in the trouser department. I’ve had girlfriends, I’ve had sex, I’ve not had any complaints, yet I feel like I can’t just go out into the world and find myself a girlfriend because there’s every chance she’s a ‘size queen’ who has taken all her information from TV and porn.

I know that’s unfair, that most women don’t give a shit about it, that there’s more to relationships than just size, but it’s everywhere. Making a small dick joke in a sitcom is an easy way to get laughs, if you want to embarrass a man, make a comment about his willy, want to show how masculine the main character in your book is, imply he has a big penis.

To be clear, I’m not embarrassed about my size, average is average, it doesn’t mean bad or incompatible or, worse, inadequate, it means I’m the same as the majority of everyone else in the world. I worry that false statistics like the 6.5” penis measurement are ruining my chances of finding someone. The truth is out there, if you’re willing to look for it, but, as with everything else, that requires people actually getting off their arses and finding it. I worry that I will go through life too afraid to ask women out for fear of their reactions, not because I’m ashamed, but because, ultimately, it will have been a waste of my life, and that there are women out there that are too pre-occupied with dick size to really notice who is in front of them.

I’m not worried I’m not good enough for someone, I’m worried that the person I am willing to give everything to thinks I’m not enough for them.


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